Jihad FAQ Part 2: The First Appendix I .Others true to the cause. *Are there more warriors involved with the Jihad? *What do Celebrites think of Barney? II. Creative Stuff and references *Do you have any insulting names for Barney? *Hey, I bet you haven't heard this one... Songs parodying Barney *What other anti-barney stuff is available? *What if Barney ruled the Earth? *Has anyone actually analyzed why Barney is bad? Essays on why Barney is bad. *What other reasons are there that show Barney is bad for kids? III. Misc. Barney Trivia *Are Barney's toys safe? *What else can you tell me about Barney? *What if I want to use Barney as a character in a R.P.G.? *Do you have any catchy sayings that express your hatred of Barney? *How many ways are there to kill Barney? **(Has 101+ ways for Barney to die)** ============================================================================= I. Others true to the cause ?Are there more warriors involved in the Jihad? Yes, here is a listing of all known people/groups that have claimed alliance with the Jihad. name | comments | leader(s) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- B.A.R.E. |Barney Abuse Resistance Education | (allied with Partnershiop for | Manoj Kasichainula | a Barney-Free North America) | -----------------|--------------------------------|--------------------------- B.A.S.H.&R.A.P.E.| Barney's Asinine Song Haters & | Sgt. DATTAWAY | Resistance Against Purple | | Education | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- BCSU | B'harne Covert Surveillance | Marc Coen | Unit (Currently inoperative due|(mjcoen3@acs3.bu. | to Marc being too busy | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- BEAM | B'harnee Eradication Ass'n of | Cmdr. Jack Skellingto (Inactive) | the Midwest | (cig0278@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- B'harne Genocide | affiliated with Texas A&M | Director/Chief Deprogrammer | | Division | | J-Rock (jjr5020@zeus.tamu. | | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- BIGONE | Bh*'rne Intelligence Gathering | Director Moonflake | Organization of New England | (mleblanc@world.std.com) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Blackbirds | Strike Hard Strike Fast | Golgotha golgotha@aol.com -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Boulder | His Most Majestic Eminence, Grand Inquisitor Bill Hovingh Inquisition | (wjhovi01@ulkyvx.louisville.edu) B.U.N.I.O.n. | Boston U. Nation to Irradicate | mpatrick@acs.bu.edu | and Obliterate barNey | Michael Cutillo aka Mike | | the mad -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Children of the |Soon to be allied with M.A.U.L. | Colonel Jeremy Light in |as a special task force | Hallum B'harne's Eyes | | (belgarath@vax1.mankato. | | msus.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- + | The Church of Blarney /_\ | Proud Providers of Unhealthy Snacks(tm) /___\ | to the Jihad (exorcisms upon request). /_____\ | --------------------------------------- /_______\ | Home of St. Windigo The Feral, Shredder /_________\ | of Spongies, and Brother Wayne Syvinski, _+_ /___________\ _+_ | The Bard of Blarney. |_|_|_/_____________\_|_|_| | --------------------------------------- |___|/_______________\|___| | Featuring frozen pizzas, Moosehead Beer, |_|_|/_______________\|_|_| | Extra Value Caloric Therapies, and our |___|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|___| | special-recipe SpongeMinion Cake(tm), /|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| | made with real Sponge Minions. /_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|\ | --------------------------------------- |_| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |_\ | Critical Mass(tm) celebrated each full |_| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |_| | moon. Communion B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your |_|_____|_|_| |_|_|_|_|_____|_| | Own Sacraments - Oreos+Jolt Cola, please) |_|_|_|_|_|_|| ||_|_|_|_|_|_| | --------------------------------------- |_|_|_|_|_|_|| ||_|_|_|_|_|_| | Father Spike: rwhaley@charlie.usd.edu |_|_|_|_|_|_|| ||_|_|_|_|_|_| | Father Random:reverson@charlie.usd.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- CIABTF | Central Illinois Anti-B'harnee | C in C Jack Skellington | Task Force, Eastern Illinois U | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Cult of Grimace | ? | ? -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- DIEMAUVEPEDERAST | Death Is Enough: Minnesotans | spokesperson M. Huntington |Against the Ugly Violet Evil and| | People Every-where Doing | (mhuntington@mac.cc. | Everything Reasonably Available| macalstr.edu) | to Stop Them | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- ? | suggested alliance w/DIEMAUVE- | Brian A. LaBounty | PEDERAST and/or other unnamed | (blabount@ | Minnesota groups | mutt.hamline.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- East Coast | - | John Whitaker (cajwhita@ Killers | | atlas.cs.upei.ca) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- E.R.A.D.I.C.A.T.E| Elite Romainians Against | | Dinosaur-Idealizing Child- | | Abusing T.V. Entertainment | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- FARTS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C George Curtis, | Tactical Squad | Pinhead the Cenobite | (will now wage psychological | (uh119@ | war on B*rn*y) | freenet.victoria.bc.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- HOSTILITY | Hawaii Organization of Slaying | Cmdr. Julian Roberts | Truly Idiotic, Lame, and | | Insipid Tyrannosaurs | (julianr@uhunix.uhcc.hawai. | for the sake of our Youth | edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- KILL BHARNE | Keweenawans Incensed by | Co-Praetors Eric | Lavender Love- | Obermeyer/ | Brandishing Heroic Armor to | Scott Hudson | Repel and Nuke our Enemies | | (mail Michigan Tech Undergrad | | Student Gov't (usg@mtu.edu) and| | its spongified VP Dave M. Meyer| | (dmmeyer@mtu.edu) | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Knights of the | The Knights are the Jihad | Solar Warrior (n020ba@ Raptor and | infantry while the Guard is | tamvm1.tamu.edu). Ceratopsian Guard| the armoured division | (speaking for Sol Prime) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Legion of Fire | led by the Keepers of the |Lexipyronius(baileykd@ | Searing Flame | hydra.rose-hulman.edu), | | pletchtd, houstojc -----------------|--------------------------------|--------------------------- Legion of Doom | | IronMan and SandMan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maenads The Maenads of the Holy Albino (complete name: Maenads who Walk in The True Path of The Three, Following in the Aspect of the Most Holy Albino Wyld-Chyld of the Warpspasm) Windigo the Feral, Jaelle (IHIMAERA_J@ix.wcc.govt.nz) are the only two willing to make themselves known to us at this time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ North Central | LOST civilizations BBS | Raistlin@dkeep.com Florida Anti- | 175 members including Matthew | Gainsville,FL Barney Task Force| Calamity, Deathlok, and Froggie| -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- NPDN | National Patriot Defense News | Henry McDaniel | "A lit match for every purple |mcdaniel@u.washington.edu | suit. And a bullet for the contents"| NOTE: Henry McDaniel has been known to use the NPDN in attempts at creating his own Jihad. He has been listed as an enemy of the Jihad, DE, LOD, Solar Ishtari, and multiple other Jihad affiliates. -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- The Organization | praises Jihad and TRES | Cmdr. Todd Stevens, | | Sage the | | Solitary, Bane of B'harne | | (tbs1@cornell.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|--------------------------- OPPS | Off the Purple Pissant Soon | Arch-praetor Corlock | The Order of Velocity Chromium | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Oregon Jihaddi |zwhite@efn.org aka jihaddi@aol.com |(zachary white) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Oregon Resistance| Tony Velasquez aka Yoda Maddog | velasquez@ucs.orst.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- O.R.G.A.S.M. | Ohioans against Reptilioid | Gen. Sagmal | Geeks And Sponge Minions | Oberkommando -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- O.S.H.I.T. | Owsen's Slayers of the Hated | tilden@ksu.ksu.edu | Imbasillic T-rex | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Puerto Rican Anti| Recently made Doberman | Capt. Rafael Cabrero -Barney | trooper Sidewinder | cabrero@guvax.acc. Liberation Front | Cmdr. Dingo Guard | georgetown.edu -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- R.A.B.I.D. | Rock lovers Against Barney's | Shadowmist | Insidious Designs | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- R.E.T.A.L.I.A.T.E| Romanians Exterminating | | Tyrrannosau-Allied Lifeforms | | In all Territories of Europe | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- SAD | Sidekicks Against Dinosaurs | Tonto (9315047@info. | (hates Hooked on Phonics) | umoncton.ca) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S.A.R.T.A.N. | Supreme Annhialators of | ultima@halcyon.com | Reptillian Transgressors |(Archmage Raistlin Majere) | Against Nature | ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOTHHUADD | the Servantsof the Holy Hamster| ug603@freenet.Victoria.BC. | United Against Dickless | CA (Robert Crouch) | Dinosaurs | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Solar Ishtari | see Knights of the Raptor | ? S.T.A.L.K.E.R.S. | Specialized Tactical Assault | frood@netcom.com Formerly | Legion to Kill Evil Repulsive | (Amir Y. Rosenblatt) A F.U.C.K.U.P. | Saurians | Really Hoopy Frood Co -----------------|--------------------------------|--------------------------- Texas A&M | Netdoc, discoverer of Purple | ddh0739@zeus.tamu.edu | Luv Drug chemical structure | | and Phd. Jihaddi History | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- ? | Arsenal the Lone Warrior | arsenal@esu.edu | | (Theodore A Brock) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- W.E.D.J.E.E. | Weapons Engineering for Jihaddi| midnite@iastate.edu Iowa State | Expenditionary Efforts | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- W.H.A.P.P | We Hate All Purple Pedophiles | -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- Wicker People | Northern Resistance Sector 001 | Leader Scott L. | | Hudson, Obi- | | Wan (slhudson@mtu.edu) -----------------|--------------------------------|---------------------------- ?What do Celebrities think of Barney? Well, since _most_ celebrities have Functioning Cerebrums(tm), it is no surprise that most hate him. There are some notable exceptions to this hatred though. Arsenio Hall and Denis Leary have voiced their hatred of Barney on several occasions. Charles Barkley beat Barney up on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. (Spring '94) "Weird Al" Yankovic's parody of "McArthur Park", "Jurassic Park", seems to denounce Barney as unrealistic. In the video, a T-rex eats Barney, almost chokes on him, and thanks to the Heimlich maneuver coughs up his head. [JAQ, jangel@devl.fnal.gov] Mike Judge (creator of Beavis & Butthead) keeps a Barney doll in his office, though his opinion of Barney himself is unknown (he may beat the doll up for stress relief). David Letterman got lots of laughs for including "beating up Barney outside a Galveston Wal-Mart" (or some such) in a Top Ten List, and for including "Barney after getting hit by a 18-wheeler" in a list of Halloween costumes. His saying "yes, I love you too, Barney" after listening to the theme song was probably just sarcasm. [costume info from Brian A. LaBounty; other info from The Beastmaster, ronm@matt.ksu.ksu.edu] Letterman also displayed various invitations he had received, and one of them was to the execution of Barney by lethal injection for the robbery of a convenience store and murder of a cashier. Radio host Jerry Springer has defended Barney. No connection between him and GerryBot (see below) has been confirmed at this time. [Scott L. Hudson] Rush Limbaugh has, according to reports, made statements both for and against Barney. In particular, this Clinton joke indicates his recognition of Barney's true evil: "I tax you, you pay me, let's create more de-pen-den-cy!" In light of #3 of the Threefold Truth, Mongoose has discouraged digressions regarding Limbaugh, B&B or anything else. In particular, he countered a running joke that Rush *was* Barney with "Barney is not political, Barney is merely evil; Rush is definitely political, therefore he is not Barney". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- II. CREATIVE STUFF ?Do you have any insulting names for Barney? Well, Barney is currently the most insulting name you can mention on this group but here are a few others we like to use to refer to him. * Acid-Tripping Purple Dino * After-Effects of Nuclear Radiation on Human Life * any euphemism for Satan * Barf-ney * Big Stupid Purple Dorkasaurus * Boeotian Butthead * Bloated Purple Twat Cheese * Bloated Sack of Purple Protoplasm * Bloated Slab of Corrupt Blubber * Charles Barkley's Punching Bag * Dark and Purple One * Deadeyes * Doppleganger of Satan * Enemy of Thinking Human Beings * Evil Spawn of Satan * Evil Vile Foul Gross Blubbery Purple One * Fat Purple Thing * Foul Foam F*cker * Great (Bruise, Disgusting One, Perverter, Satan of Backstage Fondling) * Goofy PC Tree-Hugging Lap Lizard * He Who Is Too Disgusting to Behold * He Who Controls the Dark * "Hell Incarnate" (Quotes must be used. The Truth CAN NOT be pirated!) * Indigo Infant Ingester * It of the Single White Tooth * Jason's Next Victim * Jurassic (Jack-Off, Jerk, Juggernaut) * King of (Demons, Hell, Purple) * Kiss-Up to Educators Everywhere * Lavender Lard Lord * Leary's Worst Nightmare * Lord of the Sponge Minions * Magenta (Miscarriage, Moron) * Maroon Menace * Mauve (Molester, Pederast) * Mesozoic Molester * Molestasaurus Rex * Most Foul * Most Heinous Slime Thing from the Dark Recesses of Hell Where He Engages in Strange and Perverted Activities with the Masters of the Foul Sponge Minions Even Though He Is Doomed to Failure * Mutant Eggplant * One Who Is Too Vile to Mention * PBS (Purple Broadcasting Station) Cerebrum Destroyer * Pedarastosaurus * Polite Putrescent Prehistoric Purple Polyester Pedophile * Polyester Pimple * Puke Inducer * Purple, Plush and Stupid-Looking * Purple (Deceiver, Deception, Hand of Darkness, Horror, Lord of Evil, Mind- Controlling Menace, Mutant Demon Prince, Nightmare, Panderer, Pedastosaur, Pedophiliasaurus, Peril, Perversion, Pestilence, Pile of Proctologist Puke, Plush Monster of PBS, Polyproplyene B*st*rd, Poop, Prince of Pedophiles, Pusbag, Pustule, Satan, Scourge, Spawned Demon from Hell, Styrosaur, Waddler that Shambles Like a Humanoid) * Putrid Pus-Filled Purple Bloat Bag From blugoose@gonix.com Mon Jul 4 11:00:03 CDT 1994 The purple pseudosaurian pedophile * Sapasaurus sacchrinus * Satanic Purple Saurian from Hades * Satan's D*ck for the World * Supreme Commander-in-Chief of Hell * Sword Bait Behemoth * That Which Is Purple and Dances Badly * Ultimate Mind Control Agent for the Forces of Evil on Today's Youth (period) * Unspeakable One * Vile (Foul Evil Horrid etc) One * Violent Violet Villain of the Vomitorium * Violet Vermin * Waste of Bandwidth !Hey, I bet you haven't heard this version of Barney's song! Hey, I bet we have and are already sick of it! My suggestion to you is to read these first, then if you think the _one_ you and your pathetic co-workers came up with is any better then you can post it. Otherwise, we've heard _all_ of them already and have moved on to much more intellectual ways to make fun of Barney. Anyone wishing to make a canonical list to post regularly can e-mail me. Webkeeper's note: Large quantity of anti-Barney songs and AOL file listings canned to preserve bandwidth. Check alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die for more information on location of Jihad Software(tm). ?What if Barney ruled the Earth? We don't _ever_ want to really know the answer to that one. However, some of our group have used their writing skills to come up with an all too plausible scenario. The following stories are available from the author unless otherwise noted. The authors are listed 1st with their stories and synopsis following. Necktie Junction, bull@mac.cc.maacalstr.edu: Day of the Barney. Barney convinces the children of the world to kill all adults in the Great Act of Love. Day of the Barney II: Aftermath. Years later, a boy and his sister at the verge of adulthood battle Barney and his minions. Day of the Barney III: Spectre. Twenty years after Barney's death, he returns from the grave and tries to destroy civilization again. [This trilogy has been reposted by Ben Cantrick (cantrick@ucsu.colorado.edu), Joel Berger (jberger@nyx.cs.du.edu), and possibly others. ] Son of Barney. Genetic engineers attempt to recreate Barney. Death Zone Purple. The Barneyan Cult has got to be stopped but will it be? CHILDREN OF THE PURPLE HAZE. Barney's forces are winning? Yes, but only due to infiltrating the Jihad with his 'children of the purple haze' TACTICAL WEAPONS IN THE BARNEYIAN-JIHAADI WAR: A listing of some of the advances made by both sides in the area of cute/anti-cute warfare. It in no way covers all weapons of either the Barneyian forces or the Jihad, and if anyone wishes to update this list, please submit your email directly to Brian, with an ASCII if possible. This list will be periodically updated. Solar Warrior n020ba@tamvm1.tamu.edu *This collection is available from NetDoc@tamsun.tamu.edu* The Rescue of Julie. The Jihad, the Solar Ishtari and the Knights of the Raptor unite to retrieve Julie the Mahdi from the clutches of their enemy. The Ceratopsian Guard-The armoured division of the Jihad battle the B'ogre, a robot tank programmed by B'harne forces. After defeating the B'ogre, they find Baby Bop inside. Ceratopsian Guard personnel kill Baby Bop by setting her aflame with napalm and running over her with tanks. Michigan Ice Terrors-B'harne constructs coming across the frozen expanse of Lake Michigan raid Doberman Empire territory. The Doberman Empire seeks help from the Solar Ishtari. The Solar Ishtari recruit an Olympic figure skater to train their velociraptors to skate. The figure skater and the 'raptors pursue the B'harne minions and kill their leader, Plush-cutus of B'harne. The Sleepers Strike-A B'harne sleeper activates in Lansing, Michigan. Sol Prime, the leader of the Solar Ishtari team up with the 'raptors and figure skater of 'Michigan Ice Terrors' to defeat the sleeper. This story features anime-style combat. Washington Capers: The Jihad, Julie, Solar Warrior, the Warners, Slapper and a figure skater team up to win Washington state, a neutral state, over to the Jihad. This is a non-violent story featuring silliness, slapstick and puns. Jihad Tales-The Solar Ishtari rescue a group of trapped 'Raptor Knights with velociraptor and T. Rex squads. Solar Warrior and the tyrannosaurus rex Lorena kill the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers. The Hunt for BarnDoc #1-NetDoc Escapes The prologue to the exciting tale of how NetDoc, Most Holy Keeper of the FAQ, was taken prisoner by B'harnian forces and escaped with the help of the Solar Ishtari. Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky: Barney vs. the Federation. The USS Leviathan is threatened with sponge-brain infection from the Purple Cluster. Brunswick Strike. A holotape of Gary Wilson's observations during the Jihad attack on U of New Brunswick, St. John. According to Commander Adama (John P.LaRocque, adama@uwo.ca or larocqu@gaul.csd.uwo.ca), #2 of the comic book Sachs and Violens includes a story by Peter A. David (peter_a_david@cup.portal.com) involving a purple dinosaur who kidnaps kids. H. McDaniel (mcdaniel@stein2.u.washington.edu): The "B" Files. A secret government agency attempts to put an end to Barney before his creators use him to promote a political or social agenda. Purple Empire. Rebels against Barney fight amongst themselves in a world of violence. [four chapters completed, #3 missing] St. Julie: Gerald the B'harnee Slayer. A fictional portrayal of Gerry, quite different from his usual persona. midnite@iastate.edu (David R Hibbs) B'Harnlet: Not much of a tragedy From shan@nyx10.cs.du.edu Wed Aug 10 11:54:20 CDT 1994 Subject: "They Love" - a new story If you are a fan of the TV show "The X-Files" , you might appreciate this story, which was originally posted to alt.tv.x-files.creative. It is a crossover story, and features the greatest evil force of the twentieth century, Barney (or Bh'arnee, or Bh'arnii, as some call him). From shan@nyx10.cs.du.edu Fri Aug 12 11:10:21 CDT 1994 Subject: "They Love" - Part 2 Hi all, Well, I wasn't going to do it; I was originally NOT going to write a second part to this silly story, but I just couldn't stand the thought of the evil Barney getting away scot free. Therefore, I wrote up part 2, where the dastardly dinosaur finally gets his just desserts. :^) From Renk0006@Gold.TC.UMN.EDU (Legion of Doom) The Really Stupid Weirdo Strangers: The Jihad is able to massacre the MMPR and take the girls hostage. ?Has anyone actually analyzed why Barney is bad? Essays on why Barney is bad will be included in every FAQ. New essays must be submitted by posting them to a.b.4d first and waiting until they are deemed good enough. The following article was first posted in alt.tv.barney by Aimee Yermish (ayermish@leland.Stanford.EDU), but since it has been getting rave reviews there I thought it deserved to be crossposted here as well. Yermish thoughtfully analyzes the faults of "B'harne and Fiends" and explains why it should be avoided by caring parents. Her excellent essay deserves to read in this popular forum. I have provided a new title and by-line to add to its distinction. Enjoy! Julian Roberts Commander, H.O.S.T.I.L.I.T.Y. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Barney & Friends" vs. "Sesame Street": A Comparison By Aimee Yermish ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I knew something was odd when I heard two little children behind me in the supermarket singing the "I love you" song, together, in unison, in this dreamy little tempo, no life, without being prompted by an adult. I also knew something was wrong when one of my friends, who has two Barney-aged children (3 and 5 -- Hi, Lin!) started complaining about the show. Gee, I always liked children's television, and I'd never seen those kind of reactions. That's strange. But hey, I didn't want to pass judgement on something I had never seen. Well, I've got the flu, and there are two public TV stations near me, which means I have been able to watch two episodes of Barney a day. I watched Sesame Street also, for comparison, and also to help get the bad taste out of my mouth. Mister Rogers didn't seem to be on (which is a real pity), so comments on that are based on somewhat more distant memory (but I have watched it plenty of times since I was six). I'm not a psychologist, but I'm also not stupid. Barney is *not* innocent, wholesome, good-for-rug-rats fun. It models "good" behavior, but only if you define "good" in a certain way. The main subtext of the show appears to be that all negative emotions should simply be denied so that we can all be happy, and that we should all conform to the group and accept the leadership of other people instead of using our own ideas. If I had children, I would forbid them to watch it, just like I would forbid them to watch pornography. The values it teaches are *not* the ones I would want my children to learn. The children in Barney never admit to a single bit of jealousy, rivalry, anger, tension, fear, or any other bad feeling. Well, that's not true, precisely. On *extremely* rare occasions, they do say things like, "I want to go next," "No, I want to go next," "Let's go together!" All with a stupid grin on their faces that shows that there was never any real argument. The situations can *always* be solved immediately, care-bear style, so there is never any real tension. The problem is that even stupid childless people like me know that children's real lives, even at age three (*especially* at age three!) aren't like that. Learning to share and take turns and such is not so easy, and there are usually plenty of tantrums and fights on the outside, and plenty of upset feelings on the inside. For instance, one of the Sesame Street episodes I watched recently had a situation where Cookie Monster was playing with a friend, and they went to get a snack, and there was only one cookie left. Of course, Cookie Monster wanted to eat it, but then he saw that he would hurt his friend's feelings. So he went through a song (which, by the way, is much more musically interesting and educational than the ones on Barney) where he weighed all the fun he had with his friend against the momentary pleasure of a cookie, and decided that he would rather give the cookie to his friend. On Barney, even if the situation came up (which it clearly wouldn't, because there are *always* enough treats to go around), they would have just smiled and immediately broken the cookie in half. Well, from Cookie Monster, they learn that those feelings of selfishness are perfectly normal (why do you think so many of the muppets are "monsters"? Children are very afraid of their "bad" emotions), that even if there isn't a simple solution, that by weighing the various sides of an issues, they can decide what is truly important to them. From Barney, they learn that good children don't have bad feelings and that all problems have easy solutions which don't involve giving up anything important. Mister Rogers doesn't show kids interacting with each other that much, but his make-believe and his songs send the message that you are a good person even when you have bad emotions, and that intelligence can be applied to difficult problems to find good solutions. Barney says that you are only a good person when you have good emotions, and that problems don't exist -- a very bad message to send. Another disturbing facet to the show is the leadership role Barney takes. The children ask him what they should do to have fun, and he tells them. They ask him what they should do when they're not sure what to do, and he tells them. They paint the pictures, and instead of asking them to use their picture to add to the growing story, he takes over and tells them what their pictures mean, decides on the title and cover and doesn't even put their names on it. They can't have fun until he's there, and they can't have fun until he tells them how to do it. They don't make believe without his telling them what to imagine. Their own ideas are subjugated to those of the leader, who doesn't even ask for input. This is not a good model of creative play, nor is it a good model of teamwork or of leadership. In Sesame Street, by contrast, the adults are viewed as resources, but the children drive the action. Every episode has a running plot where a few monsters have a problem to solve (Zoe's aunt tickles her, the fish called Wanda doesn't want Wolfgang the seal to eat her, Big Bird and Rosita want to learn enough about babies to play family with Elmo, etc), and they come up with and try a variety of solutions to each problem, with varying degrees of success (Zoe tries wearing a tiger suit to scare her aunt, but the aunt isn't scared. She thinks about staying away from her aunt, but realizes that she would have to give up spending time with her, which she very much enjoys. She carries a pineapple around so that the spiny leaves protect her chin, which works, but she gets tired after carrying it all day). The adults don't muscle in to the action, but offer advice or other help (at one point, Gina is practically wrestling with Wolfgang to give Wanda and Big Bird time to implement the successful idea they came up with on their own) if asked. The adults' ideas are generally good, but they don't force them on the monsters. Instead, the monsters model good information-gathering and decision-making skills. Another thing which is disturbing about Barney is the choreography. These kids always do everything in unison. They dance to exactly the same steps, and do not a half bad job at it. They mimic what they are shown exactly. In the episode on individuality, they did a song and dance about how boring it would be if they were all identical robots, and the sick thing was that it was basically the same as when they were kids. In Sesame Street, kids get the same body awareness practice through dance, but the instructions are much vaguer and the kids are each doing their own thing. The subtext in Barney is that it's good to do everything identically with everyone else; the subtext in Sesame Street is that you can have fun with other people while each doing things differently, that in the world of fun, there are very few "wrong" answers. In the Barney episode about individuality, each child named something that they liked doing, on the grounds that liking something different from other people was why you were special. But then, Barney made them all do those things together. That's counterproductive -- it shows children that something gains its definition of good if everyone else likes doing it too, not if *you* like doing it. On Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert demonstrate very well how you can like other people without having to like all the same things (one of the shows I watched had an episode where they treated exactly that issue, we like different things and we love each other). In line with the idea that the children are taught to deny their basic differences, somehow all these kids on Barney, whose ages I estimate at 8 - 16 (or maybe older, Lucy is pretty big), not to mention the grownups who show up on some episodes, pretend that they are all the same ages as the kids watching the show (2 - 5?). All people, regardless of age, react to Barney and the proposed activities in the same way -- that is, at the developmental level of a toddler. But the viewing kids aren't stupid. They know those kids are older than they are. And the real older kids (and grownups) they deal with don't react to things at toddler level. Real adults may get annoyed at noisy or messy play or constant singing of the same song. A toddler seeing the modeled behavior of older kids and adults on Barney would be very disturbed to find that his parents and siblings don't act like Barney says they're supposed to. Are my parents bad parents because they don't play the way Barney says they do? Am I a bad person because my parents get angry at me sometimes? On Sesame Street, by contrast, the characters react realistically to each other, while still maintaining the safety net that just because you do something that annoys someone doesn't mean that you or they are bad people. Tully and Rosita wander around one episode playing with a pair of cymbals, and Luis (a grownup human) makes no secret of the fact that he finds it too loud and wishes they would make all that noise somewhere else. There were lots of other things I found disturbing on Barney, but these are the major points so far. Remember, nothing is a no-option when a kid is watching -- they learn from everything they see. And I'd rather not have any kids I've got responsibility for learn from that show. It's false in a very dangerous way. Okay, so I do have a soft spot for Sesame Street, I was born in 1968 and grew up with it. But I really did my best to try to give Barney a chance, to view it in the most positive light I could, and I couldn't find anything worth keeping. --Aimee ?What other reasons are there that show Barney is bad for kids? Barney let Baby Bop _cheat_ on one of the Barney and Friends episodes. The kids were doing the number limbo and when they had their backs turned, Barney raised the bar for Baby Bop. Barney once asked the kids on his show to vote on what "fun thing" they wanted to "pretend," and only gave them one choice. [Kressja] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- III. MISCELLANEOUS BARNEY TRIVIA ?Are Barney's toys safe? Some Barney tote bags were recalled because some of the ink and paint had too high a lead content. [Wild Boar, sbl0091@zeus.tamu.edu] 1994TRUE STORY: Barney doll can kill! From: Yes, I heard this some months ago. A Christmas Barney doll with a hat and a small yarn ball on top of the hat was chewed on by a two year old. The yarn ball came off and the kid nearly choked to death. "Barney and Baby Bop's Loot Bag"- a childs' party bag used for taking home candy, etc. It is actually called a _loot bag_ which shows just how greedy and selfish Barney really is. -NetDoc@tamsun.tamu.edu Ask icomedia@access.digex.net about Barney Must Die! T-shirts. ?What else can you tell me about Barney? Barney's human identity is David Joyner, according to the credits. 4/1/94On the news today was a story about "Barney" from this past weekend. Well folks you were all warned about Barney and what he could do to your kids. Okay getting back to the story, this guy dressed up as Barney was going around on one of the projects on the west side of Cleveland trying to lure little kids into his van. Barney was also seen armed with a handgun. Well thank God no kids got hurt from this purple pedophile. ei928@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (John P. Mulgrew) From spindoc@winternet.com Mon Aug 1 14:14:20 CDT 1994 PLAYBOY MAG - Sept alt.barney Just thought you would like to all know that alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die.die was mentioned on page 22 The subject was interesting internet stuff. Sept 94 issue. Alos, there was the July 25th iss. of TIME magazine that specifically mentioned a.b.4d. The war supposedly hits IRC with #barney, an anti-Barney channel. As of 4 Nov 93, neither this channel nor ScronkBot (its maintenance bot) existed. [Patrick Hassett Caudill, phcaudil@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu] The Jerry Springer Show featured Barney's cigarette-smoking evil brother Blarney. [Scott L. Hudson] From chungjw@vaxd.gat.com Sun Aug 7 13:55:32 CDT 1994 Subject: Barney's On Fire song There's been a song entitled "Barney's on Fire" played on the requests on the Dr. Demento show. Very hysterical. Recommended for all the Barney abusers. I've contacted the songwriter, Tony "Stain" Mason, and he's sending out a copy to me. If anyone else wants a copy of this hilarious song, email Tony at ribbit@netcom.com. Also, Texas A&M's very own "Sneaky" Pete Rizzo (in my department no less) has made a song that was played on Dr. Demento's show called "Barbecue Barney" -NetDoc Barney received 38 write-in votes in a poll of 800 at an Ottawa high school (the post wasn't clear whether students of the HS were surveyed, or whether they just did the poll at that location). Canada's third-largest (before the election) political party, the NDP, didn't get that many votes. [Oscar Strawczynski, ai238@freenet.carleton.ca] The national college magazine _U._ reported that 1050 (81%) of 1294 students surveyed disliked Barney. Suggested methods of deprogramming Sponge Minions: Nine Inch Nails, They Might Be Giants, Einstuerzende Neubauten, Rush [the musical group, not Limbaugh], Ministry, Animaniacs, Road Runner, blues, Jethro Tull, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, Yes, Pearl Jam, Kim Mitchell, 54-40, Tom Cochrane/Red Rider, REM, Aerosmith, GNR, Skinny Puppy, Kim Gordon, pre-1985 Sonic Youth, anime, MST3K, Nitzer Ebb and Rage Against The Machine, Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel, unhealthy snacks. The High Prophet and two other members of the Texas A&M Jihad recently created a program which crashes everything that tries to run it. All tested PCs either rebooted, locked up beyond the power of rebooting, or had CMOS overwritten. It has been suggested that this be used as a defensive measure. Where it is, no one knows... From at455@FreeNet.Carleton.CA Anyone here remember Dinosaurs? The sitcom of the dinosaur family? I used to love that show. Anyway, I just recently saw an episode where the Baby was watching his Blarney (parody) video. The Baby takes it's bottles and fires it at Blarney with a slingshot. Blarney scream before the bottle blows him up. Cool. Also: they had Barney on Simpsons, homer was watching TV, and Barney was on singing "2 + 2 is 4..." over and over and over again. And Homer says "Hee hee. Now I know why everyone likes him." It was funny. Davis-Forbes House of the U of Oklahoma has recently announced the Kill B@rney World Tour. [Eric Bell, ebell@essex.ecn.uoknor.edu] According to Jeffery Beaulieu (911003b@dragon.acadiau.caa), the ubiquituous wuarchive.wustl.edu FTP site has a .voc file in /ms_dos_uploads (or something similar) of Barney Meets Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Iain P. Grier (ipgrier@steam.uwaterloo.edu) reports a rumor that there exists a copy of CW3D with Barney replacing the SS. I don't know of any FTP sites specifically devoted to Barney-related stuff. The Jaycees of Colonial Heights, VA, received a complaint from Natalie Simonson because their Halloween attraction included Barney on a noose, along with an executioner singing "I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and hang Barney". President Todd Resnick says that they warned parents about it beforehand and that they received no other complaints from the estimated 1,600 attendees. [Ken Majewski, majewskk@wmavm7.vnet.ibm.com] Vanderbilt will celebrate Barney Bashing Day on November 10, featuring Barney being burned in effigy. Others are encouraged to do similar things, perhaps making it a North American "Guy Fawkes Day", [Kressja] U of Nebraska-Lincoln senior Travis Fox also organized a Barney Bashing Day on this date, featuring Big Bird and a variety of Barney merchandise to smash up; only two mothers briefly protested the event. [John M. Scheibeler, uplink@cwis.unomaha.edu, quoting the _Omaha World-Herald] Jack Skellington reports a Barney Bashing in Chicago put on by children. According to Entertainment Tonight, a Barney movie is planned for release some time in 1995. [GerryBot] Yale researchers have determined Barney to be a Good Thing. [Sandy Santra, trevor@netcom.com or trevor@well.sf.ca.us] Barney's politics have been variously labeled as Communist [source unavailable], capitalistic [Jennefer the Valiant] and Orwellian-fascist [The Combat Wombat, al673@freenet.carleton.ca]. Extract the Roman numerals from CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, add them up and get 666. [John C. Newmark, jcnewmar@artsci.wustl.edu] The RushClone has posted a joke FORTRAN program to destroy Barney, and a crosspost from rec.humor of the Barney Bill (gun ownership requires a written statement that you will only shoot purple dinosaurs and targets resembling them). N. Gellner (bj6b@musicb.mcgill.ca) quotes an article from the February 1990 _Economist_ on a disease called bovine spongiform encephalopathy, attributing itto the brain-sponging drug Purple Luv. ?What if I want to use Barney as a character in a R.P.G.? DUNGEONS & BARNEYS Barney by AD&D Rules Barney ============================================================= CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm ORGANIZATION: Solitary ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day DIET: Little children's minds INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12) TREASURE: Merchandising contracts ALIGNMENT: Purple evil ......................................................................... ...................................................................... NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below) ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush) MOVEMENT: 3 HIT DICE: 8 THAC0: 12 NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2) SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30) SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90% SIZE: L (8' tall) MORALE: Stupid (30) XP VALUE: 4,000 Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity. Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed. Barney may also utter a 'Power word "I love you"' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise. Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities. Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat. -From CyberLost, via AOL; original Bitnet post by Hellraiser ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ?Do you have any catchy sayings that express your hatred of Barney? Words to the wise. Now, if Mao Tse-Tung could have his little red book, why can't we have something similar? To that end I've put together the start of what could be a great book. Enjoy. Jihaddi Words of Wisdom. (Feel free to add your own) 1) If it looks like a spongie, sounds like a spongie and acts like a spongie, shoot it. 2) If B'Harne looks like his diet could use some fibre, force feed him 8.5 miles of rope. 3) Beware of spongies bearing snacks. 4) Conversion of spongies can be more effective than killing them. More ecologically sound too. (You know: Reduce, Recycle, Reuse) 5) A Functioning Cerebrum(tm) is your best friend, don't abuse it! 6) Proper weapon maintenance can avoid those embarrassing weapon failures in the thick of battle. 7) B'Harne, like tar, is not a play thing. (Thanks to "The Simpsons") 8) A dead B'Harne is the lesser of two evils. A live one is infinitely worse. 9) When trolling for spongies, use only the freshest fruit and vegetables. 10) If an infinite number of monkeys shat for an infinite length of time, you'd end up with B'Harne. 11) When killing spongies, make it interesting. You get bonus points for artistic merit. 12) Be aware that any death for B'Harne will be too slow, too painless and way too merciful. So your working for personal satisfaction on this one. 13) B'Harne merchandise makes good fire lighters. Pity about the smell though. 14) For a cheap night's entertainment, lock a few spongies in a sugar mill. From fh129@cleveland.Freenet.Edu Wed Aug 24 17:08:11 CDT 1994 1a) If it acts like an asshole, sounds like an asshole and acts like an asshole, it's Mikie. 3a) Beware of chainsaw-wielding B'harne-sidal maniacs bearing grudges. 4a) Feel free to ignore Words of Wisdom #4 whenever you feel like it. 7a) B'harne, however, can be used for target practice. 9a) Be sure to poison them first. From tilden@ksu.ksu.edu Thu Aug 25 11:56:11 CDT 1994 Subject: Re: Words to the wise. Oh boy, Cascade time. 15) When surrounded by sponge-minions bearing weapons after you destroy a $400 life-size replica of the bitch-beast B'Harnee, just say "Who's next?" (idea taken from Predator 2, Fitting isn't it?) 16) Sponge blood stains can be eradicated by TIDE with Bleach. 17) A sponge minion can be used to stop forest fires ONLY if you throw it in the fire. 18) Never take a sponge at their word. Take them at their throat. 19) Never enter battle unless you have plenty of junk food, beer, and Sterno for your SPAM. 20) Pissing on a dead sponge only makes them smell better. 21) Just because it's a sponge doesn't mean it sucks up water. 22) There is only one way to kill B'Harnee: Total annihilation. 23) When in doubt, remember, Bhaybee Bahp is the green one, BeefJ is Yellow. 24) You are what you eat. (think about it.) 25) GADZOOKS, a mall clothing store, sells I HATE BARNEY stickers and t-shirts. (I have both) 26) Even sponge parents love their children, so kill them too. Some Words of Wisdom from the Webkeeper 27) Shoot a sponge in the head, and nothing will come out. 28) Spongies hate alcohol. Be sure to give them plenty. 29) A mail filter is your best friend for keeping out spongified web comments. 30) If a tree falls on a sponge-minion, and no one is there to hear it, it does make a sound. It's the tree appreciating the sound of the sponge-minion eating it. ?How many ways are there to kill Barney? From: someone@volt.uwaterloo.ca () 101 ways Barney should die 1. Nitroglycerin suppository 2. My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit 3. Paper cuts from hate mail 4. Wine press 5. Random act of terrorism 6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride) 7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter 8. Exploding gas barbecue 9. Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding 10. Rusty meat hook 11. Pulp digester / Saw mill 12. Sexually transmitted disease 13. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu 14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open). 15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!". 16. Exploding school bus 17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores. 18. Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide 19. Sacrifice to a tribal god 20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder) 21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet 22. Asphyxiation on a twinkie 23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck 24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round 25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box 26. Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road 27. Tail caught in elevator doors 28. Legalization of purple slavery 29. Home lobotomy kit 30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric) 31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal. 32. Thrown in a vat of bleach. 33. Close encounter with a white supremist. 34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine 35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor 36. Swarmed by killer bees 37. Purple parasites 38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel 39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow) 40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler. 41. Assilimation by the Borg. 42. Accupunture with a nail gun 43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes. 44. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw 45. Hit and run at a school crossing 46. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven. 47. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition! 48. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry. 49. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens 50. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife. 51. Harpooned by a whaling ship 52. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummelled with a baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature). 53. Served as Thanksgiving dinner 54. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?) 55. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full. 56. Mistaken for a Pinyata 57. Run over by a zamboni 58. "I love you" song triggers avalanche. 59. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train. 60. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY. 61. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature. 62. Crushed between plates in a fault line. 63. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like McFries with that?) 64. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney? 65. Used as a crashtest dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you if you don't wear your seatbelt. 66. Barney becomes one with Oscar Meyer. 67. Barney used as shark bait. 68. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study. 69. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease. 70. Diplomatic mission with Klingons 71. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk. 72. NATO air strike. 73. Live organ donor. 74. Egyptian mummification ritual. 75. Plummet into an active volcano. 76. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants. 77. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food. 78. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer. 79. Pilgrimage to the Holy land. 80. Purple Jonestown reagent. 81. Visit to the taxidermist. 82. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter. 83. Take him off Prozac. 84. Forced to watch "the Wall" video without his happy pills. 85. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath". 86. Give him a lead role in a snuff film. 87. Tar and feathered by crazed parents. 88. Spontaneous combustion. 89. Bludgeoned to purple paste. 90. Compressed to a singularity. 91. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post. 92. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin. 93. The plague 94. Extruded through microcapilliaries. 95. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson. 96. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop. 97. Salt water enema. 98. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms. 99. Massage with a stun gun. 100. Heat pasteurization. 101. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie. 102. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank. Not enough for ya?!? Here's 20 more! From: cc697@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Eric Oppen) I read the list of 101 ways to kill He Who Is Too Disgusting To View in the FAQ, and felt inspired. Herewith my humble contribution to our glorious Jihad against the Purple Antichrist/Anti-Elvis/AntiAesir. Twenty new ways to kill B'Harne: 1. B'harne meets Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 2. Send him to Sturgis during Bike Week. 3. Airdrop him into the SCA's Pennsic War wearing a T-shirt saying: "Tuchux, Hordesmen and Chivalry all blow dead children!" 4. Invite him to be Guest of Honor---at a Hells' Angels party. 5. Tell the Mob that he's really Vincent Teresa (a well-known stoolie) 6. Send him to convince feminists that "Gor"is good literature. 7. Fix him up on a date with Andrea (Lesser Sponge Entity) Dworkin. 8. Summer vacation---in Rwanda. 9. Have him make up a cute little song about a Yakuza's tattoos. 10. Send him to Iran, Iraq or Libya. 11. Convince him that Frank Sinatra's bodyguards all are desperately awaiting his special brand of purple fondling love. 12. Tell the Japanese sumo champs that Barney wants to "get close" to them. 13. Talk him into giving the "Give me liberty or give me death!" speech--- in Tienanmen Square, Beijing. 14. Put him on a saccharine-free diet and watch him die of saccharine withdrawal. 15. Get Strategic Air Command back together for one glorious last mission. 16. Convince the MOSSAD that he's really Martin Bormann or even Hitler. 17. Make him listen to the entire "Ring Cycle" of operas. 18. Tell the environmentalist whackos that he's behind the Exxon Valdez oil spill. 19. Tack up "Barney Season" signs all over the forest. 20. Mention to a trophy hunter that his head is a unique trophy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back to Jihad FAQ Index ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jihad FAQ Appendix