Deep Thoughts --------------- By Jack Handey It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. "Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bite her on the ass." -Jack Handy, SNL 11/1/92 -- "If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone." -Jack Handy, SNL 11/1/92 -- Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most ddangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampiling and eating everything they see. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the tresure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone. When I herad that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers. Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear. The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me. You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner nas been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much. I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. I think a good mavie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain. I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that. It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes. I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as thier mascot. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opend wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie." What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers? I God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. oooo$$$$$$$$$$$$oooo oo$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o oo$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o o$ $$ o$ o $ oo o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o $$ $$ $$o$ oo $ $ "$ o$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$o $$$o$$o$ "$$$$$$o$ o$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$o $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ """$$$ "$$$""""$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$ $$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$o o$$" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$o $$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" "$$$$$$ooooo$$$$o o$$$oooo$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$"$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$"""""""" """" $$$$ "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" o$$$ "$$$o """$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"$$" $$$ $$$o "$$""$$$$$$"""" o$$$ $$$$o o$$$" "$$$$o o$$$$$$o"$$$$o o$$$$ "$$$$$oo ""$$$$o$$$$$o o$$$$"" ""$$$$$oooo "$$$o$$$$$$$$$""" ""$$$$$$$oo $$$$$$$$$$ """"$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$" "$$$"""" Hey wazup, gotta picture for ya, hope you likes! If not too bad then! Later! AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he mightbe retarded. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal. 1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. *******Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.******** Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. 98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth. In 1681, the last dodo bird died. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981. Every person has a unique tongue print. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. Bubble gum contains rubber. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed." Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh, why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!] Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.] It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis." Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them are in Parma!] Most lipstick contains fish scales. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. Mosquitos have teeth. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards. 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. 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>>>>>>>> mMM::::MM:::::::MMMM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::MMM:M >>>>>>>> mMM:::M:::::::M:M:M >>>>>>>> MM::MMMM:::::::M:M >>>>>>>> MM::MMM::::::::M:M >>>>>>>> mMM::MM::::::::M:M >>>>>>>> MM::MM:::::::::M:M >>>>>>>> MM::MM::::::::::M:m >>>>>>>> MM:::M:::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::M: >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::M: >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::::::::M >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::::::::M >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::::::::Mm >>>>>>>> MM::::::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::::::::::MMM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM:::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM:::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM:::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::MM >>>>>>>> MMM::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::::::MM >>>>>>>> MM:::::MM >>>>>>>> MM:::::MM: >>>>>>>> MM:::::M:M >>>>>>>> MM:::::M:M >>>>>>>> :M::::::M: >>>>>>>> M:M:::::::M >>>>>>>> M:::M::::::M >>>>>>>> M::::M::::::M >>>>>>>> M:::::M:::::::M >>>>>>>> M::::::MM:::::::M >>>>>>>> M:::::::M::::::::M >>>>>>>> M;:;::::M:::::::::M >>>>>>>> M:m:;:::M::::::::::M >>>>>>>> MM:m:m::M::::::::;:M >>>>>>>> MM:m::MM:::::::;:;M >>>>>>>> MM::MMM::::::;:m:M >>>>>>>> MMMM MM::::m:m:MM >>>>>>>> MM::::m:MM >>>>>>>> MM::::MM >>>>>>>> MM::MM >>>>>>>> MMMM >>>>>>>> WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE >> The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex >>>>>>> within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! >>>>>>> Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and >>>>>>> send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies >>>>>>> to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. >>>>>>> >>>>>>> After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got >>>>>>> his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series >>>>>>> of ograsms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, >>>>>>> but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. >********************************************************************** >> I will always remember how we always used to laugh at grandpa >>when he would tell us jokes around the campfire, while at our family >>camping trips. but that laughter soon changed to a slight chuckle >>when grandpa caught on fire and burned to death. >>********************************************************************** >>********************************************************************** >> I will always remember how we always used to laugh at grandpa >>when he would tell us jokes around the campfire, while at our family >>camping trips. but that laughter soon changed to a slight chuckle >>when grandpa caught on fire and burned to death. >>********************************************************************** >> >> >> >> > > > > > > Have fun with this!! It's a good study break. YO MOMMA SO ...... =-> SO FAT, Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat we're in her right now Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on the bitch's good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior picture had to be arial view! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship Yo momma so fat to her "light food" means under 4 Tons Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!! Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off!!! Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!! Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development =-> SO STUPID, Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes weekends too!!! Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home. Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's Yo momma so stupid she called information to get the number for 411 ... . and when the operator said "Hold one minute", the b*tch counted to 60 and hung up!!! =-> SO UGLY, Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . . for a quote! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Danson wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so ugly your dad's breath smells like shit because he would rather kiss her ass Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water =-> SO OLD, Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang =-> SO POOR, Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she wave around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money =-> SO DARK, Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. Yo momma so dark when people refer to Darkness comming in the future they refer to her next visit. Yo momma so dark they made a movie of her heart transplant called "From the darkest heart of Africa" =-> SO DIRTY, Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. =-> SO SHORT, Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. Yo momma so short she models for trophys. Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick Yo momma so short she has to look down to look up =-> SO NASTY, Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down. Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left. Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so nasty she made Sure confused. Yo momma so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape. Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the dead sea Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horseman: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma =-> IS LIKE, Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay Yo momma like a library - open to the public Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo momma like a ketchup bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. Yo momma like a potatoe chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..." =-> SO HAIRY, Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro! Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker =-> SO SLUTTY, Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt! Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times. Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. Yo momma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got AIDS Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline. =-> SO GREASY, Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! =-> TEETH SO YELLOW, Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter =-> SO LAZY, Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. =-> SO SKINNY, Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. =-> SO BALD, Yo momma so bald you can see what's on her mind Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. =-> SO TALL, Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! =-> GLASSES SO THICK, Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving. Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. =-> HAS, Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. Yo momma has no ears.... I seen the bitch trying on sunglasses Yo momma has an ass soo big she has to shit in a dumpster =-> HOUSE SO SMALL, Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. =-> HOUSE SO DIRTY, Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. =-> HEAD SO SMALL, Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. =-> MISC, Yo momma breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo momma twice the man you are. Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo momma middle name is Rambo. Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more." Yo momma grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS SHIT" Yo momma threw a frizbee three weeks ago that hasn't landed yet. Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on. If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards. It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat! Yo daddy is like cement, it takes him two days to get hard. 14q * * * * Altaf Kassam * * University of Alberta * Medical Sciences Bldg. Rm 6-50 * * * Edmonton, Alberta * * * * CANADA * * * * * * T 6 G 2 H 7 * * * * (403) 492-7407 * * * * * * * * _ _ _ _ O O O O ) ( E-Mail: akassam@anat.med.ualberta.ca "There's too much going on, but not much happening." The Last Ten Things Any Man Would Ever Say ! 10.I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother fucker! 9. While I am up, can I get you a beer? 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy! 7. Her tits are just WAY TOO BIG!! 6. Sometimes I just want to be held! 5. That chick on "Murder she Wrote" gives me a woody! 4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom. 3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Lets go shopping and I'll carry your purse! 2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch "Murphy Brown"!! 1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask for directions!! The Last Ten Things Any Woman Would Say ! 10.Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends! 9. Go ahead and leave the seat up! 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy! 7. Hey, get a whiff of that one!! 6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just way too cute! 5. This diamond is just WAY TOO BIG!! 4. I won't even put that thing on my lips unless I get to swallow! 3. WOW, it really is 14 inches! 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong! You MUST be right AGAIN!! TOP TEN REASONS TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX!! 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Person you're with doesn't fantisize you're someone else. 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer. Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border." Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson? A: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids." Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan? A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard... Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck. Q: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common? A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess.