From:	Greg Hammond 
 Sent:	Wednesday, November 25, 1998 2:15 PM
 Subject:	FW: Cosmo Crazy
 
 Subject: Cosmo Crazy
 It occurs to me that there should be a three-day mandatory waiting
 period
 after reading Cosmopolitan magazine before a woman is allowed to have
 contact
 with a member of the opposite sex. If this were so, I'm sure that the
 following humiliating moments would not have taken place:
 Shortly after reading an article entitled "What Every Man Wants, But
 Will
 Never Admit", Jennifer McKenzie (all names have been changed to
 protect the
 humiliated) of Minneapolis goes to a New Year's Eve party with her
 boyfriend,
 Stewart. At the appropriate moment, she leans over and flirtatiously
 whispers,
 "I'm not wearing any underwear." To which he says, "What?  I can't
 hear you."
 "I'm not wearing any underwear", she whispers in his ear, a bit more
 loudly.
 "You're not wearing any what?" "Underwear    Underwear  " she yells at
 the top
 of her lungs. The room falls silent.  The hush is punctuated only by
 the sound
 of a pair of heels clicking across the floor to the nearest exit.
 
 Shortly after reading an article entitled "How to Make Him Lust After
 You 24
 Hours a Day", Shelly Barnes of Atlanta calls her boyfriend at work.
 The first
 words out of her mouth are, "I want you, Steven". "Um. Not now", he
 whispers.
 "Yes, now, Steven Phillips. I want you this minute." "There are 17
 people in
 my office." "Oh, um..." "We're on speakerphone." "My, what an
 incredibly small
 world it is  Wrong number. Wrong Steven Phillips.  Pardon the
 ring."(CLICK)
 
 Shortly after reading an article entitled "Risque Business: Lingerie
 Styles
 That Will Set Your Boudoir On Fire", Martha Jones of Buffalo races to
 the
 nearest boutique and buys a black merry widow with red lace trim.  She
 hurries
 home, hooks herself into it and proceeds to fling herself onto her
 bed,
 practicing the pose she will strike when her boyfriend Jonathon
 arrives.Oh,
 the look in his eye when he sees me, she thinks. Unfortunately, she
 never gets
 to see the look in Jonathon's eye. However, she does get to see the
 look in
 her mother's eye after phoning and begging mom to come and free her
 from the
 bedspread in which 25 merry widow hooks have become hopelessly
 entangled.
 
 Shortly after reading an article entitled "How to Let Him Know What
 DrivesYou
 Wild", Sandra Fenton of Dayton composes a saucy love poem to her
 boyfriend,
 Jeff, spritzes it with perfume and drops it in the mailbox. Four
 minutes
 later, Jeff calls to say he wants to break up. Two minutes after
 that,Sandra
 takes a sledgehammer to the mailbox and is arrested for tampering with
 government property.
 
 Shortly after reading an article entitled "Businesswoman By Day,
 Temptress By
 Night", Phyllis Stockard of Terre Haute shows up at her boyfriend
 Edward's
 apartment wearing nothing but a trench coat and a pair of four-inch
 stiletto
 heels. When he opens the door, she coyly says, "I've got a little
 surprise for
 you." "Wait  Wait  I want to see it too " his mother says, racing in
 from the
 kitchen. "Your mother's here?" "Oh, I just popped in, dear.  Let me
 take your
 coat." "I'll get her coat " his father says, racing in from the living
 room.
 "Your father's here?" "Mom.  Dad.  Please.  I'll get her coat." Edward
 says.
 "No, really, I'll leave it on." "Don't be ridiculous. Give me your
 coat,"he
 persists, reaching for her shoulder. "Get back  Get back, all of you "
 she
 shrieks, limping backward on one stiletto heel while wildly waving the
 other
 one at them. "So help me, God, I'm keeping this coat on if it's the
 last thing I do "