From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Mar 24 20:19:03 1997 Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 20:54:29 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Forwarded mail.... (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 09:14:43 -0500 From: arie.fisher@UTORONTO.CA To: CHAT94@YORKU.CA Subject: Forwarded mail.... >>>> >>>>TODAY'S FEATURE: >>>> >>>>Fun Things Profs can do on the First Day of Class >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling >>>>noises. >>>> >>>> 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for >>>>attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention thatyesterday was the >>>>last day to drop. >>>> >>>> 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and >>>>scream "MY PACEMAKER!" >>>> >>>> 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding >>>>crop. >>>> >>>> 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a >>>>student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" >>>> >>>> 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you >>>>a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't >>>>hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". >>>> >>>> 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat,hand >>>>them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, >>>>Mr. Smartypants?" >>>> >>>> 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their >>>>responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while >>>>muttering "tsk, tsk". >>>> >>>> 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". >>>> >>>> 10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class >>>>whether your butt looks fat. >>>> >>>> 11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. >>>> >>>> 12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus >>>>class. Giggle throughout it. >>>> >>>> 13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention >>>>hotline number on the board. >>>> >>>> 14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all >>>>questions. >>>> >>>> 15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex >>>>Machine." >>>> >>>> 16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps >>>>would know" and move on before anyone can answer. >>>> >>>> 17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone >>>>book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. >>>> >>>> 18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead >>>>of you as you pace back and forth. >>>> >>>> 19. Address students as "worm". >>>> >>>> 20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a >>>>single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any >>>>moment. >>>> >>>> 21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin >>>>singing spirituals. >>>> >>>> 22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a >>>>waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. >>>> >>>> 23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's >>>>name, rank, and serial number. >>>> >>>> 24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and >>>>announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done. >>>> >>>> 25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a >>>>question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song >>>> >>>> 26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space >>>>for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence >>>>and proceed normally. >>>> >>>> 27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone >>>>asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with >>>>your hands. >>>> >>>> 28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. >>>> >>>> 29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". >>>> >>>> 30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers >>>>and ask students to "sit back and groove". >>>> >>>> 31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their >>>>class projects. >>>> >>>> 32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code >>>>all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. >>>> >>>> 33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers >>>>McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk >>>>over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" >>>> >>>> 34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". >>>> >>>> 35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base >>>>11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in >>>>place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it. >>>> >>>> 36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular >>>> intervals. >>>> >>>> 37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the >>>>teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office >>>>hours. >>>> >>>> 38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you >>>>lecture. >>>> >>>> 39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside. >>>> >>>> 40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" >>>>every ten minutes. >>>> >>>> 41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or >>>>"fake the funk". >>>> >>>> 42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and >>>>deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. >>>> >>>> 43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral >>>>hygiene. >>>> >>>> 44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be >>>> required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark >>>>through Armenia, for next class. >>>> >>>> 45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. >>>>Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. >>>> >>>> 46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your >>>>tie. >>>> >>>> 47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams. >>>> >>>> 48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class. >>>> >>>> 49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to >>>>keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that >>>>bug I picked up in the field". >>>> >>>> 50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you >>>>pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>> >>> >>> > > >