Going to the Fair:

Had a good year, played a lot of state fairs and I got a little tip for you. You're ever feeling down about yourself. Go to a state fair and just look around boy. I saw people that could be their own dad. And wearing clothes I wouldn't have pick dog mess out of a yard in to be honest with you. We went to the Iowa state fair, they had a six foot statue of Garth Brooks carved out of butter. Somebody's got a little time on their hands. Where do you realize you got that ability for butter carving? Does it start at the dinner table, "Hey mama, that's a damn find dog you carved out of the butter bar there." And my question is why, why would you do this? Because all they're going to do is just melt it down. Then nobody is going to believe you. You'll be at a party somewhere bragging about it. "I carved a six foot statue of Garth Brooks out of butter." You liar. "I sure did." Well where is it? Well, They melted it down. Poured it on that popcorn statue of Allen Jackson. And the stuff they sell at a state fair just blows my mind. There was a guy selling rocks, with two eyes and a smile painted on it. Now how many people do you think walked by his booth and went, "Honey, we ain't got one smiling rock at our house." Another guy was selling blowguns for kids. But they were real, thwap!, blowguns. With little metal darts. And I walked up to him and I go "Man, how can you sell these to kids?" He looked me right in the eye and he goes. "Hey, we give them a styrofoam target." OK, we all know that's the first place a kid is going to point that blowgun is that styrofoam target. I don't think so, grandmas fat butt - Pttuss! Now they're selling spas at the fair. When did that become an impulse buy? What, your at the fair, "Well we have a good day at the fair, kids got their blowguns, and well we got that case of smiling rocks for the garden. What the hell, let's get a spa." Have you walked through the spa section of the fair? Man, those people are intense! I was cutting through this spa section, I glanced at this spa, I hear this "Hey Heyy Heyyy, saw you look at that spa." Well ya I looked at it, I'd have walked right into it if I hadn't looked at it. "Yea you can say what you want but I think you like that spa. What's your name?" Now if they get your name your dead. So I go, "Look man, I got to go." And he goes, "Come on, what's your name?" I said, "My name's Bill." He goes, "You know when you were walking through here I said to myself that boy right there looks like a Bill." "Well Bill, my name's Bob, they call me give away Bob, I'm just giving them away." I said, "Well, put it in the truck Bob." "Don't even bother draining it." Then we went to the Minnesota state fair and I saw this woman god bless her heart, she must have weighed 1500 pounds. The weight-guessing guy went, "No". "You don't want me hollering that number out." And you know what, it wasn't that she was big, because big doesn't bother me, what bothered me is that in one hand she's got a funnel cake with every condiment known to man on it, mustard, mayonnaise, dirt from the ground was on this thing. In her mouth she's holding a burrito like a cigarette, and in her other hand she's got a roasted ear of corn. I'm looking at her thinking, "Good Lord, if you look like that, don't go to a fair and eat like that." Because their wasn't one person at that fair thinking, "Awww, I bet she's just got a thyroid problem." And hanging onto her was this little skinny-ass 80-pound man, just begging for scraps. "You going to eat the husk off that corn pumpkin?" She's like, "Shut-up, I'll feed you when it's time. Now go get mama some cotton candy."