Here's Your Sign:

Well I'll tell you about myself, I'm originally from the state of Texas.  I love being from Texas, just because we got our own language down there.  We just make stuff up man.  We say stuff like, "I tell you what."  That's it.  That's a complete sentence in Texas.  I tell you what. And everybody from out of state is like, "What!"  I just told you. And Texans look at things different than anyone else in the country. Last time I was home, I was driving around I had a flat tire. I pulled my truck into one of these little side of the road gas stations, the attendant walks out looks at my truck looks at me and I swear to god he went, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope! No I was driving around those other three just swelled right up on me.""  And without missing a beat he goes, "Well the heat will do that." I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."  That way you wouldn't rely on them would you. You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me, oops, never mind, I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California, our house is full of boxes, there's a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and he goes, "Hey, are you moving?"  Nope! We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.  Couple months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pull this boat into the dock, I lift up this big stringer of bass, this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, you all catch all them fish?" Nope! Talked them into giving up. Here's your sign. That's why there're warnings on products, because of stupid people ladies and gentlemen. It's not for us; it's for stupid people. If there weren't any stupid people you wouldn't see any warnings or at least they would have to wear those signs you just wouldn't sell them the product would you.  It would be like, "I'm sorry, I can't sell you that." "Why not?  Awww I forgot." Did you know on a tube of Preparation-H it says, "Do not take this orally"?  That's sad isn't it?  Because you know somebody wrote them a letter. Dear Preparation-H: I ate this whole dang tube, I still got these hemorrhoids. Man my mouth so small.  I can't even eat a jellybean anymore.  But I can whistle really good.  We bought my daughter a bathtub doll. It's called "Rub-a-Dub Dolly" Now Rub-a-Dub dolly floats around in the bathtub with a little life preserver on.  And on the life preserver it says, "This is not a life saving device" Well what kind of idiot, would see some guy drowning in a river and go, "Here! Here's a Rub-a-Dub Dolly doll!" Oh thank God, you saved my life.  On a can of shaving cream it says, "Avoid spraying this in a open flame." Were the hell was that guy shaving at? Was he sitting around the campfire one night, "Boy, I feel a little bristly." Swoosh! Nice, that's nice. Little tender. We bought a stereo receiver, if you bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box where they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters what does it say? "Do not eat this!"  You all ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinking there might be something to eat in there?  But you know somebody open that box and went, "Well look! I got a receiver and a pack of Chiclets! I got music and gum!"  Did you know on the back of a roll on deodorant it says, "Do not apply this to your eyes"?  Ladies, when was the last time you were out on a blind date, and he was good looking but just had that stinky eye?  I was working on my wife's car a couple weeks ago; I was putting a new fan belt on. Did you know on the back of a car fan belt it says, "Be sure to stop the motor first."  Wouldn't you have loved to been there the first time that happen.  Some guy walks into the house, his hands all cut up. "Hey Walt, what happen?" "Ahhh, I'm going to give you boys a little tip. If your going to put a fan belt on a car, you better shut that motor off first. You can't stop it with your hands man; it's like a machine or something." If I hadn't seen this one, I wouldn't have believed it, but we were trying to sell our car about a year ago, guy come over to the house drove the car around about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe. And goes, "Damn that's hot!"  See, If he'd been wearing a sign, I could have stopped that. I could have said, "Now I know your not going to understand this but, that's going to be hot." You've all seen this one, on the back of a bottle of shampoo it says, "Rinse, lather, repeat, rinse, lather, repeat."  You know there's some idiot still in the shower. Because it doesn't say, "Dry your hair, try it again tomorrow man."  I'm sure some of you ladies here tonight use curling irons. If you ever get a chance, read the warnings on these things. I swear to you it says, "The first time you use this curling iron you may notice some slight odor and some smoke." That means your hairs on fire! I'm not making these up! The worst one says, "Do not insert this curling iron in any orifice." My God! What happen to good old fashion foreplay?  What is it, "Whoooo, warm up the curling iron Honey! We're going to the fair!" There are warnings on blow dryers did you know this? It says, "Do not use while sleeping." Well Lord when did that become a problem?  Because I don't know about the rest of you, but I can not count the number of times, I've been sound asleep, woke up, I was doing my hair. Dang it! I was sleep styling again. There's another warning that says, "Do not use this blow dryer in the shower!" Who's writing this pamphlet? You all ever been in the shower, "Honey! I'm done shampooing my hair, toss me that blow dryer!" I saw an idiot on TV this week. I was watching one of those animal shows on Discovery channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that, you got to get bit by a shark. But the guy that was inventing it wasn't doing the testing; he had his buddy helping him out. That's a conversation I want to be in on! "Jimmy come here." "All right Jimmy you got that shark suit on? Looks good!" "Now, what we going to do, we going to strap dead fish all over your body." "Stay with me Jimbo, stay with me." "Then we want you to jump in this pool of sharks." "And you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well alright." "Hold my sign, I don't want to lose it."