I Love Golf:

Thank you very much, good to be back. This is great. Hope you had a good day today. It's been a fun time here man. I was in LA yesterday. Played a little golf. Shot a 209. I'm going to tell you something, you hit the ball 209 times, it'll take it out of you. Not to mention the other three guys your playing with. They're like, Just pick it up. No way man, I'm finishing this par three. God it was a bad day. I'm on the second hole, I'm already shooting like eighty. So I know I got to birdy out to have a good round. I hit my ball in this really tall grass, it was like, well trees, that's what it was, it was grass with branches. But my ball rolled down this grassy area by this creek and I knew right away that my ball was in a snake priority area. And I hate snakes, I don't think they're natural, I mean they can move but they don't got any legs, that ain't right, that's the devil, alright, It's in the Bible. So I know these snakes are on my ball, but they aren't making any noise, so I got my club and I'm like swishing the grass and stomping on the ground going "WhooWhoo". Like the snakes are going to go "Oh my God!" But they don't move, so I reach down to get my ball and one of them like slithered away, Oh I lost it. I started wailing at the ground with my club, my friend thinks I'm trying to hit the ball so he's counting strokes. He's standing there going one, two, I'm like, "It's a snake!" He's like "Yea right, watch out Bill, There's a bear! Ahhh". So finally on like the fifteenth tee I hit the drive of my life and any of you people play golf you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang onto the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watched this ball just go, and go, and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he over reacted I thought. I mean it wasn't like a square hit. It just kind of glanced of his head. But he goes whipping his car of the freeway, like oh here we go, mister attitude. So now he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of crudy golfer!" I'm like "Hey I hit you didn't I. You were traveling 65 miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book." I love playing golf but being a comedian I go out by myself until I get stuck with other people. And I don't mind that until I get stuck with the TV golfer, and any of you people play golf you know the guy I'm talking about. He watches every TV tournament, he's got the perfect swing, and he wants to help you out. You swing your club he's like "You want to know what you're doing wrong?" Naw, thanks man, appreciate it. "Alright, I can tell you what you're doing wrong." I'm sure you could. "Do you want to know what you're doing wrong?"  Playing golf with you, that's the problem here today. He knows all the golf lingo, you know, you hit your ball, He's like "There's a golf shot, that's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot, I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot. My favorite, if you slice or hook your ball left or right really bad, this is the guy that will go, "Oh, it opens up over there." No it doesn't, it's a housing project.