From root@jokes4u.com Sat Nov 14 14:31:06 1998
Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1998 14:06:45 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Saturday November 14, 1998


Welcome to The Saturday's Issue of Jokes4U -
The Internet's newest humor e'zine that'll make you bust a gut!!

This mag is NEVER sent unsolicited!!
To unsubscribe please goto:
http://www.jokes4u.com/cgi-bin/mag-del.cgi


From our how stupid can you be department
All these are product labels
Real Labels - Real Products
TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT - Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating.
ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.
BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery.
NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness.
KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children.
SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts.
AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAIN SAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS - You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.
                                  Details inside.
DIAL SOAP - Directions:  Use like regular soap.

   
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly
   above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

   The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the
   sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser,
   someone  had carefully lettered another sign which read --

   "Thoap!"



A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess
what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.  

The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the
action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the
field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look
at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I
ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said
it, I accept!"



The Boston Dictionary
 For people learning to speak with a "Bawstin"  i.e Boston
 accent.  The following contains some of the better excerpts:
---------
 fok:  What you eat pahster with.
 
 fyah:  Blaze
 
 Gahden:  What they're tearing down this yeah.
 
 hahbah:  What they dumped tea into in 1773.
 
 Hahvid:  Country day school across the rivah.
 
 hahf-ahst:  Done without regahd to detail.



What is a dog?

1.      They follow you around with their tongues out.

2.      They only respond to simple commands.

3.      Their needs are basic and predictable.

4.      They whine when their needs are not met.

5.      They always need to have something in their mouth.

6.      They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.

7.      They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.

8.      They need to be trained.

9.      You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long time.

10.     They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others like them.

Conclusion: They're little men in fuzzy boxes.




You're a REDNECK if...
---
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 

You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'. 

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE 
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.



REAL Headlines:
*  Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
*  Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
*  War Dims Hope For Peace



We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking as we used
when we created them.  -- Albert Einstein