From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Monday November 16, 1998 In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ****. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either. The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is......" Some Blond Jokes! What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. A blonde and a brunette are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awwww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" A blonde sent a post card home: It read:- "Having a wonderful time...Where am I?" What do you call a blonde in a library? Lost. What's the definition of 'Gross Ignorance?' 144 blondes. What is 20/20? The IQ of blonde twins. How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook? When the blonde serves the poptart in one piece. How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat? No spelling errors on her tattoo's. Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo? She drowned her horse. CONVERSATION AT THE PEARLY GATES ================================ A computer consultant was furiously working away at a program at his desk, when suddenly, everything went black, and he lost consciousness. When he came to, he found he was in front of the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter was watching him, waiting for him to wake up. The young man stood up, looked around, and walked over to Peter. "What is this place?", he asked. "You're at the Pearly Gates", replied Peter, opening a huge book. Obviously shaken at waking up dead, the young consultant said, "You mean I'm dead?" "Mm-hmm", replied Peter, carefully scanning through the list of names. "What happened? I mean, I'm young, I don't smoke, eat healthy, work out every day. I don't see any injuries on my body. How'd I die?" Peter looked up and said, "Wait just a minute till I find your name; that'll give me the cause of death also." The consultant looked around... blue sky and clouds everywhere, kind of like the Windows 95 startup screen. Finally, Peter said, "Ah-ha, here you are. It says you died of old age." "Old age? I'm only 32", the consultant stammered. "Hmmm, let me see", said Peter, "We don't often make mistakes." After looking a moment longer, Peter said knowingly, "Got it! You were a consultant, right?" "Yes". "Well, the book's right about old age being the problem. Y'see, up here we figure your age in billable hours." You're a REDNECK if... --- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. You think safe sex is a padded headboard. * You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. DISCLAIMER: The contents of Jokes4U is entirely of reader submittal origin and we assume no ownership or liability for the content contained within.