From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Tuesday November 17, 1998 Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow, I will destroy the Earth!!" Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good new is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow." Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 Problem has been solved!" Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred. Here are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers: 1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good 6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy 7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! 9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 12. Robin Hood was a terrorist 13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it 14. Shake well before and after use 15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash 17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. 20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window." A blonde and a brunette are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awwww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" AT THE BAR The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch." FIVE FACTS ABOUT MEN ----- 16 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 17 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. Q. Why was the airhead staring at the orange juice container?? A. Because the carton said "CONCENTRATE" on it.