From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Thursday November 19, 1998 littleknown... * Kermit the Frog is left-handed. * The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days. THE IRISH WAY TO SHOP ----- McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." ATTORNEYS Two brand new attorneys went to a large city to get jobs. They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the senior partner. Billy Ray was called in first. The senior partner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the interviewer and said "You ain't got no ears!" He jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office. Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in. Once again the senior partner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the interviewer and said "You wear contacts!" He stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?" "Its obvious" said Billy Joe "You can't wear glasses, 'cause you don't have any ears!" * The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F". Need an Instant Loan? Upto $20,000 credit limit and no annual fees!! Click Below to apply online! http://www.teknosurf.com/cgi-bin/ads.pl?jokes4u+advert=caplink http://www.teknosurf.com/cgi-bin/ads.pl?jokes4u+advert=caplink TWO FINAL FACTS ABOUT MEN ----- 26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles. 27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports, They've already forgotten what happened. * It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'. INSURING THE BARN ---- Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ... Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin chasing you. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. Word Wierdness =-=-=-=-=-=-=- A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Editing is a rewording activity. Because some people reporting not receiving yesterday's issue it is reprinted below! Enjoy! YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... Things becomes "Very Clear". You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. What do you call a blonde in a library? Lost. What's the definition of 'Gross Ignorance?' 144 blondes. What is 20/20? The IQ of blonde twins. * Baltimore City Police recently instituted a crack-down on noise violations. In every hospital zone in the City, you can hear people who've been mugged whispering for help. * A lot of people don't realize the dance called "The Limbo" was started in Baltimore. It was based upon the street people who were sneaking into pay toilets. AIRHEAD An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ". FIVE FACTS ABOUT MEN ----- 21 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 22 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year." 24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. * If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom. SPEEDING A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?" Word Wierdness =-=-=-=-=-=-=- Dyslexics ahve more fnu. Clones are people two. Entropy isn't what it used to be. littleknown... * In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None. ______________________________________________________________