To: Subscrib@muffmail.com From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Friday November 20, 1998 THE PERFECT GIFT A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." * The ashes of the average cremated person weighs nine pounds. YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... You and Reality file for divorce. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. COLLEGE BALL A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" * In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H." How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook? When the blonde serves the poptart in one piece. How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat? No spelling errors on her tattoo's. Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo? She drowned her horse. How many blondes does it take to make popcorn? 3. One to hold the pot and the other t2 to shake the stove. BABY ---- A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es." * When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city. * Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Word Wierdness =-=-=-=-=-=-=- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW! FINAL EXAM ----- It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.