From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Tuesday November 24, 1998 * Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. * John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." THE CIA ---- A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" Unusual law: In Naples Italy a man may have mistresses as long as his wife knows and he can afford to maintain his mistresses and his wife at the same time. COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-= University of Illinois Entrance exam Football player version Time limit: 3 weeks 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespear to: a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army d. write a play 4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.) 8. What are the people in America's far north called? a. westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners 9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton. 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does the rain come from? a. Macy's b. 7-11 c. Canada d. The Sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? a. yes b. no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters. 16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin 18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for? 20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when? a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING * YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-= YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF... Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. * Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.