To: Subscribers@jokes4u.com From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Saturday November 28, 1998 The Order *---* A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. Oh, nothing really, I just realized how dumb you are. You came here for the food!" Cynics Central *----- * If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of? * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? * Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? * I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. * Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Comprehending Engineers ***** An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?"asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." The following classified ad was in the Austin American Statesman newspaper, under the pets & livestock, exotic animal section, on Wednesday, 09/10/1997: PETS & LIVESTOCK - Exotic Animals Mixed breed female free to good home. Lazy and sloppy, shots current, house broken, has license, owns transportation. Enjoys music, dancing & late hours, seldom is home. Beautiful markings, 22 yr old daughter answers to `Dorothy.' Call DP# 625-1448. Mother is fed up and wants a clean house. Children's Letters to God ------------------ Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. --------- Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce ______________________________________________________________ UNSUBSCRIBE? ----- 'Unsubscribe' from either the late 1990's or the early 2,000's relating to a custom practice of early internet users to communicate quite crudely through a 'list process' message system, an application believed to run on the 'Unix' Operating system, according to mythology. Despite the legends historians and scholars sincerely doubt the existance of so called unix boxes as well as list process messaging. No evidence has been found through the Microsoft Annals of History. As the myth goes, Microsoft in fact did not create the computing universe, rather it was at one time quite chaotic, and Microsoft was one of only many to try to assume roles. The legend continues that Microsoft used pride, arrogance, and it's financial clout to squeeze out any competition. (See the IBM myth, and Could Apples really have been computers). Regardless, the term 'unsubscribe' was reportedly used to escape from the neverending barage of useless pandering of information contained in 'list processes'. In a 'hotel california' type fashon, the evil list owners would taunt the members by stating 'YOU CAN SIGN OFF BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE' This would lead to the frustration of the members, and eventual digital civil war. How to Identify the Driver's Home ----- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on Latte', one finger in nose, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest: * If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries. * You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box. * When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way. * There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie. Repainting ----- It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. It said, ... "For best results, put on two coats." Children's Letters to God ------------------ Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma --------- Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Comprehending Engineers ***** There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.