Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 16:41:01 -0500 (EST)
To: Subscribers@jokes4u.com
From: Jokeshelp@jokes4u.com
Subject: Jokes4U Humor Ezine Monday November 30, 1998

An airplane takes off from the airport.  The captain is Jewish and the first
officer is Taiwan Chinese.  It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. 
After thirty minutes, the  Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."  The
First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese?  Why ees that?"  The Captain
says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor.  That's why I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. says, "Nooooo,  noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. 
That Japanese, not Chinese.  And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike."  Another thirty minutes of
silence.  Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew."  The Captain replies, "Why
not?  Why don't you like Jews?"
F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."  The Captain tries to correct him,  "No, no.
The Jews didn't sink the Titanic.  It was an iceberg."  The F.O.
replies,"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same."

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"
    that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night,
    and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the 
scratch?

S - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the
car.
    While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not
scratch it.

D - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against
    the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping 
sound,
    saw you get out to examine the car and drive away. So again I'll 
ask
you,
    yes or no, did you scratch the car?

S - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched 
it.
    Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car.
    I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the 
mailbox?

S - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street.  I
mishandled the
    steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the
mailbox, though that
    was clearly not my intent.

D - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

S - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
statement that I
    did not scratch the car.

D - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched 
as a
result of this
    contact?

S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the 
car?".
From a
    strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that 
sentence,
I did not
    scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when 
the
scratching
    occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch 
the car"
was legally
    correct, although I did not volunteer information.

D - Where did you learn to be such a wise guy?

S - From The President of the United States.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the
wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the
blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"