From: Andy Schipper Sent: Monday, September 14, 1998 9:35 AM To: Victor Shimla Subject: FW: A really late friday Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my mother's not looking to get laid, either." A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top. She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest. Lil' Johnny, playing in the sand, looked up at her and said, "Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose." A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming... But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality "Howard. You're a veterinarian." Did you hear that Loraina Bobbit was killed last night in a car accident? Yeah! some dick cut her off. A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" Her Mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did." "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl. Again the answer was yes. The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so cranky!" A bachelor farmer in his 80's decided he needed a son and heir, so he went to his doctor for a checkup. "Have you anyone in mind for a bride?" asked the doctor. The farmer explained that he intended to marry a young girl of 21, and asked what his chances of having a son and heir were. The doctor replied: "Well, Mr. Smith, don't be offended, but as an insurance, I think you ought to take in a lodger to live with you and your wife, if you know what I mean." Some months later, the doctor met the farmer in the street. "How is your wife?" asked the doctor. The old farmer beamed. "Pregnant!" "Splendid!" said the doctor, and, after a moment's hesitation asked: "And the lodger?" "She's pregnant too!" replied the farmer. A man says to his wife, "You never tell me when you have an orgasm." The wife replies, "You're never home." One day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father. "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says. "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L'. How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia?" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old! On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing together, when the horse fell into a bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer, to go get help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around , the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW 7-series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was suprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer, and managed to get ahold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented-best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too, began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his penis" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.