JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES Bill Clinton was at a baseball game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. President Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch." ~~~~~ ----- There were these two missionaries traveling in the Jungle when they were captured by primitive natives. They were taken back to the village where they were then held penned up in a grass hut. After a tribal dance and some heated dispute that could be heard by the missionaries in the hut, a native entered and told them in poor English that the Chief had decided that they could have a choice of death or OOgum Boogum. One missionary asked what was OOgum BOOgum. The native explained that OOgum BOOgum was the tradition of tying an enemy over a log and then all the the men in the tribe would sodomize the enemy. If OOgum BOOGum was chosen then after that was over they would be released. One of the missionaries chose OOgum BOOgum. The other absolutely insisted he be put to death. The first missionary was taken out, tied down, and was then sodomized till the last native, after which he was released. Then after another tribal dance and heated discussion, the English-speaking native entered the hut and told the last missionary it was time to die. Upon leaving the hut the missionary asked how he would meet his maker. He was informed that the chief had decreed "Death by OOGum BOOgum!" ----- Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe say to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The german responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these hugh welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!" ----- There's this Greek watermelon farmer who has two strong helpers. Problem is, he only has enough work for one, and he doesn't know which one to keep. He decides a contest is in order. "Whoever can carry the most watermelons will get the job," he pronounces. The first helper runs to the watermelon pile and picks up two watermelons, one in each arm. Realizing that his partner could easily do the same, he gets a desperate idea. He drops his pants and places a third watermelon over a certain appendage down there. He smiles broadly at the flabbergasted farmer and says "Three!" The other helper runs over to the pile, frantic. Not only can't he think of a way to hold more than three, to his embarrassment, he isn't able to support a third watermelon. In desperation, he runs up behind the other helper - who is still standing, watermelons held and at attention - and juts forward with a very powerful pelvic thrust into the other's behind while carrying two watermelons of his own. "Five!" he exclaims. --- Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horses? A: Turn off the carousel! ----- A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's none of your business" so he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your business" so he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets angry at this point and sends him off to play. The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. Later the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64 years old, weigh 147 pounds and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is because you got an "F" in SEX!!! ----- Your mother's so fat, when God said let their be Light, he told her to move her fat butt out of the way. When your mother said she wanted to get an all-over tan, she was expecting too much from the sun. Your mom's so fat that she uses a pillow case as a sock. Your mom's so fat that when she fell and broke her leg, gravy poured out. A love poem to your mama: Roses are red, Grass is green, You've got a shape Like a washing machine. Caring poem to your mama: Red is to roses, Brown is to kelp, Don't despair, Jenny Craig can help. Your mamas so fat her high school picture was an aerial photo. ----- Baby-Sitter: "While you were gone, Ma'am, the baby swallowed a bug." Mom: :Great heavens! What did you do?" Baby-Sitter (proudly): "Oh, I took care of him. I made him swallow some insect powder to kill the bug." ----- Irritated Wife: "What do you MEAN by coming home half drunk?" Hubby: "It's not my fault - I ran out of money." ----- A man and his girl friend wanted to engage in passionate sex for the first time. He pulled off his socks. "What happened to your toes?" she asked. "Tolio" he said, as he pulled off his pants. "What happened to your knees?" "Kneesles" he said. He took off his underwear. She said: "Don't tell me, smallpox, right?" ----- A man hasn't been feeling well and his wife finally convinces him to go to the doctor. The doctor looks him over and takes several samples. He tells the man he will call him with the results, in a few days. In a few days, the man gets a call. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news.." The man says, "I've had a bad day-- tell me the good news, first.." "Well," the doctor says," Your tests indicate that you have a very rare disease and you have less than 24 hours to live..." "WHAT!!-- THAT's TERRIBLE!!! What could possibly be worse than that??" The doctor says,"I forgot to call you yesterday..." ----- A man was complaining to a friend-- "I had it all--Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman-- then, POW! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend..... "My wife found out----" ----- How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving. Ad in Italian news paper: For sale. WWII vintage Italian Army Rifle. Only dropped once. How can you spot an Italian tank? It's the one with backup lights. ----- A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets his mother-in-law gets twice. The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother- in-law will get 20 million dollars, the man says "that's ok." The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea, once again the man says "that's ok." The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death. ----- What do you call a man with no arms or legs: if you throw him in the lake?...BOB. Throw him with a lot of force?...SKIP. Leave him on the door step?...MATT. Hang him on the wall? ...ART. In a pile of leaves? RUSSELL. In a hot tub? STU. What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg? ILENE. What do you call her if you're Japanese? IRENE. What do you call an Irish man w/ no arms and no legs and bouncin around the room? Rick "O" Shea. ----- Did you hear about Pepsi's new anti-AIDS campaign? They're distributing clean needles in every can. What's next? A condom in every Pizza Hut pizza? I have a friend who's a diabetic. he just bought some syringes at the local drug store for his insulin shots, AND THEY WERE FILLED WITH PEPSI... ----- The San Jose Sharks hockey team recently sponsored a father/son night as part of the festivities, there was a drawing, and one of the prizes was a dinner for the winning father and son with the Sharks' goalie, Arturs Irbe. Well, the winning group went out to eat, and it must have been something to see-the father, the son, and the goalie host. ------------- Near Neosho, MO, a few miles south of here, Camp Crowder was a big basic-training Army facility in WWII. Mort Walker used his experience there to create "Camp Swampy" for "Beetle Bailey." Shortly after the war was over, a local man was caught _en flagrate delicto_ with a neighbor's cow. Now, there is no law in Missouri to directly prosecute someone for carnal knowledge of an animal, but they charged the guy with aggravated tresspass and public indeceny. The trial was great fun, and newspaper reporters, wearied of war, made a big deal out of "The Neosho Belle Case." ------------- One day, the lion, the mighty king pf the jungle awoke and found that his "tool" was missing. So, needless to say, he was worried. He searched everywhere for his beloved tool. He came upon a python, whom he asked "Have you seen my tool?". The python asked him what it looked like. The lion replied "It was big and had 4 points on it." The python shook his head and suggested that the lion ask the panther. The lion found the panther lying down in a bed of jungle leaves. He asked, "Excuse me, panther, but have you seen my tool?" The panther asked the lion what it looked like. The lion told the panther about the four points, and the panther said "No, Lion, I have not seen it." The lion was getting a little more worried at this point when a jaguar came prancing through the jungle. "Say, Jaguar!", yelled the lion, "Have you seen my tool?" "I don't know. What did it look like?" asked the jaguar. "It had four points on it, and it was big.", answered the lion. "Oh, I ate it." "WHAT? You ATE my TOOL?" exclaimed the lion. "Of course. I'm a 4-point tool eater jaguar!" ----- A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and passed the wallet back and forth. "Well boys" said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case of carp-to-carp walleting." ------- Notre Dame started having strange sounds. Police were called into to find what was causing these sounds. All they could report was sometimes seeing a small brown object disappearing around corners and down holes. Weeks went by, when finally a small boy opened a door into a room to see a bag crossing the room. This was the lunch bag of Notre Dame. -----