JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES One day a man talking to God, and he said "God, How long is a million years to you?" And God answered "A second" So the man asked "God, How much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied "A penny" So the man asked "God, could you give me a penny?" And God replied "Sure! In a second!" ----- I went to the bank the other day... I asked the banker to check my balance........................ So he pushed me!!! ----- How many Radio Shack employees does it take to change a light bulb? (1) None....they only repair their own brand. (2) One....If you know the catalog number. (3) Three... one to look it up,one to look for it and one to call the next store to see if they have one! ----- Did you hear about the new Japanese/Jewish restaurant? It's called "So Sumi." What about the new Black/Italian restaurant? It's called Yo-Mamma Leonies. It's down the street from the new German/Chinese restauraunt. The only problem with it is, a half-hour later you are hungry again for power. ----- How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs. ----- What's white and crawls up your leg? Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. ----- A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will touch me, and everybody laughs at me. can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." ----- The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good new and bad news..." The patient says "Lay it on me doc. What's the bad news?" "You have Alzheimer's disease." "Good heavens! What's the good news?" "You can go home and forget about it!" ----- A girl brings her boyfriend over to her house so that he can meet her parents. They're sitting down on the couch, and her parents walk in. He's got a surprise question to ask them, which even surprises her. He wants to marry her. He is nervous, and says to her father "Sir, may i have your daughter's hole in handy matrimony?" ----- A talking horse, Plug, had problems getting out of the starting gate. He would hesitate whenever the loudspeaker called, "THEY'RE OFF!" The jockey complained to Plug's owner, and suggested that perhaps since Plug was a stallion, his hormones were interfering with his attention to the rider. So the owner had Plug gelded. After a period of soreness and healing, Plug was once again in the starting gate. But when the race started, he sat down on his haunches. "What the hell are you doing?" angrily shouted the jockey. "Well," said the horse, "I was really going to win this race, and I was thinking about how being a Gelding would be helpful, when the gate opened, and the loudspeaker said `THEY'RE OFF!' I just sat down and cried." ----- The Five Stages Of Drinking: Stage One It's 11:00pm, and your friends buy you a round of drinks. Your unemployed friends. You get up to leave, but then you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get seven hours sleep....I'm cool." Stage Two It's midnight, and you've just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf. Right about then a little devil appears on your shoulder, and you look at your watch and think to yourself, "Hey, I'm among my friends, and these are the good times. Besides, as long as I get five hours' sleep.... I'm cool." Stage Three It's 1:00am, and you've switched from beer to tequila. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing in favor of artificial turf. You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest waitress I've ever seen". On your way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you like his face. You and your friends start having drunken fantasies that, "hey, if we buy our own bar, we can stay together forever". Right about then, you notice that the devil is a bit bigger than he was....and he's buying. You start to leave, but then squint at your watch and say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get three hours' sleep---and a complete change of blood....I'm cool." Stage Four It's 2:00am, and the devil is bartending. For last call, you order a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf. On your way to the bathroom, you punch out the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face. You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest busboy I've ever seen". You finally stagger outside (after being kicked out), when one of your friends says that he knows the whereabouts of an after-hours bar. You say to yourself, "Hey, since I'm up this late, why, I might as well stay up all night!!!" Stage Five It's 5:00am, and you've just spent twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to get a refund at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't KNOW anyone named Ruby!!). You're across the state line at a bar where there are people who've been released from prison as late as that same day. This is the kind of bar that even the devil won't touch (Hey, I have to be back in Hell at 9 for brunch with Hitler; see ya). You're drinking some thick blue liquid that looks like something from a Romulan wedding reception. You see the waitress, with fresh stitches in her head, and say, "I'm gonna marry her". Just then, one of your friends stands up and screams, "We're drivin' to Florida!!!", then passes out. As you crawl out of the bar, you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get twenty-nine hours' sleep tomorrow....I'm cool." After crawling outside, you experience the worst part of Stage Five: the sun shining down at you, frying your eyes like you're a vampire taking too long getting back to the coffin. By this time, other people are on their way to work, and they look down at you and see the sorry state you're in...and they know. "Who's Ruby?", they ask as they give you their spare change. This is when you utter the Drinkers' Credo; say it with me now: "I SWEAR THAT I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN," (for how long??) "AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Some of the die-hards even have a small postscript: "And this time, I really mean it!" ----- A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy's swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head. "Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender "I'm in DEEP shit," replies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour." "Oh, wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?" "No," said the customer, "HIS wife!" ----- It is known that the toilets on commercial jetliners often leak. The leakage, which consists of feces, urine, and the blue chemical which is used in these toilets, will freeze up into a chunk on the fuselage. Often when the plane is landing or changing altitude, these chunks of ice will break off, with disasterous results. One time, a chunk broke off and fell through the roof of a house in the midwest. The moral of the story: Even is you live where there are no strategic targets, you can still be attacked by an icy B.M. ----- A Texan, a Russian and New Jerseyite went out to eat. Their waiter came to the table and said "Excuse me, but due to a shortage, we can not serve meat today. The Texan said "I don't understand. What is a shortage?" The Russian said, "I don't understand. What is meat?" The New Jerseyite said, "I don't understand. What is Excuse me?" ----- The woman was trying to get the produce clerk to cut a head of lettuce in two, and sell her half. Finally he says he will go ask the manager. As he says to the manager," some dumb **** wants to buy half a head of lettuce", he notices she has followed him into the office. He quickly adds, "And this nice lady wants the other half!" The manager congratulates the clerk for his quick thinking, and offers him a promotion to the store in Trail (you have to know Trail, B.C. to really appreciate this). The clerk says, "Only whores and hockey players ever made it in Trail". The manager says, "I'll have you know my wife is from Trail". The clerk replies, "Oh? What position did she play?" ----- Hear about the Newfie who was killed while ice fishing? Got run over by the Zamboni! ----- Newfie comes up to the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey. As he sets them up, the bartender asks what he is celebrating. Newfie replies that he just got his first blow job. "Hey, that's great", says the bartender, "Let me buy you one too." "No thanks," says Newfie. "If five don't kill the taste, nothing will!" ----- Newfie's walking down Davie Street when a hooker asks him how he would like a blow job. "No way", says Newfie. "That would just screw up my unemployment check!" ----- Little old lady to dog owner: "Is that your german shepherd outside?" "Yeah, so what?" "Well, my cat just killed it." "HA, how could your cat kill my dog?" "It got stuck in his throat!" ----- Did you hear about the Newfie who moved to Quebec? He spent years in university learning French and finally felt confident enough that his accent was flawless to go into a store and say, " Apportez-moi un chien chaud et un poutine avec une Coca Cola, s'il vous plait." (Translated for American readers: Bring me a hot dog and a poutine - Quebec dish of french fries with curd cheese and gravy - and a Coca Cola, please.) The clerk didn't answer so the Newfie repeated his request. After a long pause, the clerk said, "Get out of here Newfie!" "How did you know I was a Newfie?" To which the clerk replied, "This is Canadian Tire!" ----- Did you hear about the Newfie who tried unsuccessfully to write Happy Birthday on a cake? Seems the cake kept getting stuck in his typewriter. ----- Did you hear about the Newfie who drove to Toronto? He saw a sign that said: лллллллллллллллллл л Toronto - Left л лллллллллллллллллл So he turned around and went home.