From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Mar 24 20:19:34 1997 Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 20:48:02 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: FW: A Little Humour.. (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 21 Mar 1997 12:13:56 -0500 From: herbert.brill@utoronto.ca To: CHAT94@YORKU.CA Subject: FW: A Little Humour.. (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 20 Mar 1997 10:58:51 -0500 From: meghan stouffer To: Alex Floh , Beth Hlozan , Christian Leuprecht <9684128@ipt1.upmf-grenoble.fr>, David Moscovitch , Elisabeth Thompson <5ert@qlink.queensu.ca>, Eric Breton , Herbert Brill , Jeff Kloetstra , Jennifer Bowler , Kristy Muckle , Michael Hills , Moshe Morris , Paul Stanley Rowe , "R. Christopher Morris" , Tammy Grime , Todd Webb , Tricia Foster Subject: FW: A Little Humour.. (fwd) Forwarded Message: From: Koebel, Chris Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 11:26:47 -0500 Subject: FW: A Little Humour.. To: "Cox, W P" , "Doucet, Paul" , "Goldberg, Donna D." , "Crocker, Rod" , "Williams, Bryan" , "Roberts, Nigel" , "Black, Susan" , 'Brett MacKillop' , 'cc - Alain Virgin' , 'cc - Alicia and Brendan' , 'cc - Bob Morris' <103635.1250@compuserve.com>, 'cc - Brian Lim' , 'cc - Christian Leuprecht' <9684128@ipt1.upmf-grenoble.fr>, 'cc - Amy Ribble' , 'cc - Dave DeCastro' , 'cc - Elizabeth Nee' , 'cc - Eno Umoh' <94umohen@fissure.scar.utoronto.ca>, 'cc - Gary Burkhalter' , 'cc - Geoffrey Cambridge' , 'cc - Jonathan Brittain' , 'cc - Jonathan Griffiths' , 'cc - Kate Wren' , 'cc - Lucy Pegoraro' , 'cc - Meghan Stouffer' , 'cc - Richard Cambridge' , 'Duane Huber' , 'Jenn Weiler' , 'OPC - Andre Friedmann' , 'Mom and Dad' , 'Rex Sikora' , 'Sarah Stainton' too funny! >-----Original Message----- >From: Sandy_Collins@QEC.CCMAIL.CompuServe.COM >[SMTP:Sandy_Collins@QEC.CCMAIL.CompuServe.COM] >Sent: Monday, March 17, 1997 10:54 AM >To: Kostiuk, Al; Koebel, Chris; cora@interlog.com; cstanley@stikeman.com; >ggdan@konec.uwaterloo.ca; gstaines@uoguelph.ca; jcoburn@sentex.net; >leighann@golden.net; llago@dttus.com; >RAY_CARBY@HP-RochesterHills-om2.om.hp.com; rhendriks@compuserve.com; >wlgh@mail.ican.net >Subject: A Little Humour.. > > >This is pretty hilarious. > >______________________________ Forward Header >__________________________________ >Subject: A Little Humour.. >Author: Reade Rintoul at QEC >Date: 3/17/97 10:38 AM > > > > > >Apparently, there is a nutball who digs things out of his own back yard and >sends his 'discoveries' to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with >neo-scientific names and insisting that they are actual archeological >'finds'. The bizarre truth is that this guy really exists and does this in >his >spare time! > >Anyway, what follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute in >response to his submission of a recently discovered 'specimen'. > > > > > Paleoanthropology Division > > > Smithsonian Institute > > > > 207 Pennsylvania Avenue > > > > Washington, DC 20078 > > > > > Dear Sir: > > Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled > > "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid > > skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed > > examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your > > theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of > > Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." > > > Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a > > Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff,who has small > > children, believes to be the > > "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal > > of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be > > quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior > > work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your > > findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of > > physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you > > off to it's modern origin: > > > 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains > > are typically fossilized bone. > > 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 > > cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest > > identified proto-hominids. > > 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more > > consistent with the common domesticated canine (dog) than it is > > with the "ravenous > > man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands > > during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the > > most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history > > with this institution, but the evidence > > seems to weigh rather heavily against it. > > > Without going into too much detail, let us say that: > > A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a > > dog has chewed on. > > B. Clams don't have teeth. > > > It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny > > your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is > > partially due to the heavy load > > our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to > > carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent > > geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls > > were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon > > dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. > > > Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the > > National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the > > concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name > > "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, > > fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, > > but was ultimately voted down because the species name > > you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it > > might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous > > donation of this fascinating > > specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid > > fossil, > > it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great > > body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You > > should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in > > his own office for the display of the specimens you have > > previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff > > speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs > > at the site you have discovered in your back yard. > > > We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you > > proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the > > Director to pay > > for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on > > your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of > > ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent > > juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex > > femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance > > of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. > > > Yours in Science, > > > Harvey Rowe > > Curator, Antiquities > >============== End part 2 ============================