From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:37:46 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03302 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:37:46 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA18260; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:34:13 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:34:12 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Three Mice (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 13:20:36 -0500 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Three Mice (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 17 Dec 1996 03:12:35 -0500 From: Yoav Brill To: herbert brill Cc: peter krampl , Michael Barham Subject: Three Mice (fwd) Forwarded Message: From: Pratima Ramkhelawan Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 17:47:12 -0500 Subject: Three Mice To: Joe Lin Tseng , Sharon Lee Pate , Sophie Joan McQueen , "N.C. Danjoux" , atallah@chem-eng.toronto.edu, Emily Ramaswar , gonsko@ecf.toronto.edu, Sandeep Beri , yoav.brill@utoronto.ca Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:36:47 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03293 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:36:46 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA18110; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:33:13 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:33:13 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: [Fwd: Good, Bad, Worse] (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: MULTIPART/MIXED; BOUNDARY="-559023410-851401618-851380393=:17791" Status: O X-Status: This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ---559023410-851401618-851380393=:17791 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---559023410-851401618-851380393=:17791 Content-Type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Content-ID: Received: from sirocco.CC.McGill.CA (sirocco.CC.McGill.CA [132.206.27.12]) by chinook.CC.McGill.CA (8.7.5/8.6.6) with SMTP id BAA24502; Sun, 1 Dec 1996 01:52:24 -0500 (EST) Received: from mishu.inet-on.net (root@mishu.inet-on.net [206.130.53.1]) by sirocco.CC.McGill.CA (8.6.12/8.6.6) with ESMTP id BAA01457; Sun, 1 Dec 1996 01:48:19 -0500 Received: from ppp200.inet-on.net (ppp200.inet-on.net [206.130.53.200]) by mishu.inet-on.net (8.7.3/8.7.3) with SMTP id CAA17945; Sun, 1 Dec 1996 02:40:53 -0500 (EST) X-SMTP-Posting-Origin: mishu.inet-on.net (root@mishu.inet-on.net [206.130.53.1]) Message-ID: <329FFF5F.5DCE@mishu.inet-on.net> Date: Sat, 30 Nov 1996 01:33:19 -0800 From: Allan Grill X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.02 (Win95; I; 16bit) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: bsohmer@IS2.dal.ca CC: wise@binah.cc.brandeis.edu, grill@mishu.inet-on.net, moss.weinstock@utoronto.ca, Blank@UNIXG.UBC.CA, yku01034@yorku.ca, yu126570@yorku.ca, Jfeuer@po-box.mcgill.ca, jwein337@aol.com, Epinch@po-box.mcgill.ca, ekrump@sickkids.on.ca, andrzej.nasiadka@utoronto.ca Subject: Good, Bad, Worse Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Hi everybody, Remember, no matter how stressful life gets, one always has time for a laugh. Steve, thanx for the awesome dins the other night. We had an awesome time. L8R, Allan Grill. GOOD * BAD * WORSE Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it. Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it. Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other. Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice. Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent. Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47. Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no." Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art. (Ben: Can you stick a fork in my eye?!!) Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real. Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video. Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit. Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them. ---559023410-851401618-851380393=:17791-- From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:34:17 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03264 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:34:17 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17889; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:30:44 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:30:43 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Excuse Notes (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 20:07:26 -0500 From: MEIR BALOFSKY To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Excuse Notes (fwd) ******************************************************* Some rather bizzare poetry, - Don't ask questions, and no, I have not lost my mind- In land of knomewell Over the waters of stunov Entered the bloorsta How did this happen he asks you Very good question my masta Later on when the dust is gone A slightest touch Jolts the stone Soon the munchikins will be here says I N- ( USE YOUR IMAGINATION!!! ) *********************************************************** ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 15 Dec 1996 14:13:02 +0200 (IST) From: jesin@mofet.macam98.ac.il To: Hana Aviner , Meir Balofsky Subject: Excuse Notes (fwd) ***************************** With love from...ISRAEL!!!!! ***************************** ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 20:39:06 -0500 (EST) From: Sarah Carman To: William Dubinski , Tally Wolf , Ahuva Jesin , Geoffrey Carman , Rebecca Carman , Rachel Schlenker , Natalie McRae Subject: Excuse Notes (fwd) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ava Kleinmann bf20278@Binghamton.edu >>>>THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES FROM PARENTS (INCLUDING ORIGINAL SPELLING) COLLECTED BY NISHEETH PAREKH, UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS MEDICA BRANCH, GALVESTON. >>>> >>>>My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today, Please >>>> execute him. >>>> >>>>Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, >>>> 32 and also 33. >>>> >>>>please excuse Lisa for being absent. She as sick and I had her shot. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of >>>> a tree and misplaced his hip. >>>> >>>>John has been absent because he has two teeth taken out of his face. >>>> >>>>Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was >>>> hurt in the growing part. >>>> >>>>Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by >>>> very close veins. >>>> >>>>Chris will not be in school today cus he has an acre in his side. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He has diahre dyrea >>>> direthe the shits. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. he had dirrhea and his >>>> boots leak. >>>> >>>>Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. >>>> >>>>I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I >>>> don't know what size she wear. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get >>>> the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we >>>> thought it was Sunday. >>>> >>>>Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her >>>funeral. >>>> >>>>My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a >>>> weekend with the Marines. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and >>>> could not breed well. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with >>>gramps. >>>> >>>>Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. >>>> >>>>Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. >>>> >>>>Mayrann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, >>>>headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever >>>>and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached >>>>all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. >>>>There must be something going around, her father even got hot >>>>last night. > From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:32:16 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03230 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:32:15 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17686; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:28:42 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:28:42 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: FW: worst analogies (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 12:41:50 -0400 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: FW: worst analogies (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 15 Oct 1996 21:30:18 -0400 From: meghan stouffer To: Alex Floh , Herbert Brill , Kristy Muckle , Paul Stanley Rowe , "R. Christopher Morris" Subject: FW: worst analogies (fwd) Forwarded Message: From: Koebel, Chris Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 15:42:34 -0400 Subject: FW: worst analogies To: 'Ruth Ogletree' , 'Rex Sikora' , 'Sue Erickson' , 'Tim Aiello' , 'so - Sandy Collins' , 'cc - The Cambridges' , 'cc - Paul Frew' , 'cc - Meghan Stouffer' , 'cc - Kate Wren' , 'cc - Jonathan Brittain' , 'cc - Jen Oja' , 'cc - Ian Campbell' <103232.1427@CompuServe.COM>, 'cc - Heather Stainton' , 'Brett MacKillop' , 'Jenn Weiler' , "Albury, Jim" , "Asdrubolini, Joanne" , "Babin, Leon" , "Black, Susan" , "Cox, Phil" , "Crocker, Rod" , "Doucet, Paul" , "Goldberg, Donna D." , "Kostiuk, Al" , "MacLeod, Ian" , "Mah, Sandy" , "Mills, Bonnie" , "Smith, Sedrick L." , "Vair, Jim" , "Whitehead, Chris" , "Williams, Bryan" , "Roberts, Nigel" These are too wierd! (read: funny) >---------- >From: jacob lucas pedrosa[SMTP:crimson@execulink.com] >Sent: Friday, October 11, 1996 12:53 AM >To: opc net >Cc: clint marcham; walid yasin; pneu-tech systems; eric lee >Subject: worst analogies > >enjoy, jake. > >worst analogies >=============== > >He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like >a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without >one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the >country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at >a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. >(Joseph Romm, Washington) > >The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a >bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an >eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another >city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. >(Roy Ashley, Washington) > >Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. >(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > >Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the >center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) > >Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced >across the grassy field toward each other like two freight >trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 >mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >(Jennifer Hart, Arlington) > >The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the >Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) > >His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances >like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free >(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > > From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:31:42 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03211 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:31:42 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17612; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:28:09 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:28:08 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 15:44:24 -0500 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 11 Nov 1996 11:25:43 -0500 From: Dwoskin Aliza D <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> To: melanie gotlieb Cc: herbert brill , steve walsh , Heisel Jocelyn A <4jah5@qlink.queensu.ca>, 4ejs4@qlink.queensu.ca, Rosenberg Elana N <4enr@qlink.queensu.ca>, Jadusingh Kamini D <3kdj1@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) This is hilarious! EJ - some advvice for you! (I hope that's your address!) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 19:11:00 -0500 (EST) From: Rutland Trina C <3tcr2@qlink.queensu.ca> To: Aliza Dwoskin <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) Thought you might like this one. ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1996 16:06:49 -0500 (EST) From: Christine Rutland To: 3tcr2@qlink.queensu.ca Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) Hey! Here's a funny one for you! ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 14:07:02 -0500 (EST) From: Troina Shea To: Christine Rutland Subject: Office Swearing (fwd) My friend at Waterloo sent this to me. I thought it was kind of funny so... Enjoy, Troina ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 10:53:48 EST From: D Punton To: tshea@uoguelph.ca Subject: Office Swearing Here is some language which may be of use in any work environment. Particluary school. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ D Punton URGENT CORPORATE COMMUNICATION It has been brought to our attention that some individuals within this organizaion have been using foul language in the course of conversation in the presence of our loyal and faithful staff. Due to complaints from some of our more easily offended employees, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The committee does, however, realize the importance of everyone retaining the ability to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow workers. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue, OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE _____________________________________________________________ No fucking Way! I'm not certain that is feasible. You've got to be shitting me! Really? Tell someone who gives a shit! Perhaps you should check with... Ask me if I give a shit! Of course I am somewhat concerned. It's not my fucking problem I wasn't involved in that project. What the fuck is this? Interesting... It won't fucking work.. I'm not sure I can implement this. Who the hell cares? Are you sure it's a problem? He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with all the details Eat Shit! Excuse me? Eat Shit and Die! Excuse me, sir? Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? I'll try to work that matter into my schedule. When the hell do you expect this? Perhaps I can work late. Kiss my ass! So you want my help with this? Fuck it... I'm on my break I'm a bit overloaded right now. Shove it up your ass I think we disagree on this point. This job sucks! I love a challenge! Who the hell died and made you boss? You want me to take care of it? Blow me! I see.... From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:31:07 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03203 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:31:07 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17541; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:27:34 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:27:33 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Answering machine messages (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 19:33:42 -0500 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Answering machine messages (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 9 Nov 1996 12:38:12 -0500 From: Dwoskin Aliza D <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> To: JanetRZD@aol.com Cc: Ottawa Dwoskins , steve walsh , herbert brill , Heisel Jocelyn A <4jah5@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Answering machine messages (fwd) Some of these are really funny! ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1996 10:29:39 -0500 (EST) From: Ma Alice C W <3acwm@qlink.queensu.ca> To: Cecilia Yeung <3cpmy@qlink.queensu.ca>, Grace Wu <3gcyw@qlink.queensu.ca>, Michelle Stitt <3mks2@qlink.queensu.ca>, Minh Mai , Judy Leung <3jl69@qlink.queensu.ca>, Julie Fong , Aliza Dwoskin <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Answering machine messages (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 8 Nov 96 10:26:01 EST From: Harvey Chung To: daddario.jennifer@ic.gc.ca, liue@isolation.com, stansburyl@phibred.com, HChung@atitech.mhs.compuserve.com, Mike_Traves@stkamer.stortek.com, waitong@bnr.ca, James_Poon_at_MPG001@ccmailgw.mcgawpark.baxter.com, 3acwm@qlink.queensu.ca, tanc@chem.QueensU.CA, egoulden@king.igs.net, drobins@hkusua.hku.hk Subject: Answering machine messages ----- Begin Included Message ----- ------------- This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. ------------- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. ------------- I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. ------------- Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you! ------------- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. ------------- C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go! ------------- Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. ------------- Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! ------------- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.... ------------- I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. ------------- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. ------------- [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. ------------- [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. ------------- [Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right. ------------- Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. ------------- [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message...leave a message....etc. ------------- Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain.... ------------- Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72.... ------------- This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. ------------- No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! ------------- This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES. ------------- You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ------------- As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...the telephone is next to an answering machine...you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine...you hear a beep.... ------------- Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1... ------------- [OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.] Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing. We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number. ------------- After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. ------------- The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. ------------- Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....! ------------- I can't come to the phone now, so...hey--that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I might even play my beep for you... ------------- This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile.... ------------- I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. ------------- How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!! ------------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...} ------------- Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern... ------------- [Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you. ------------- [Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.... ------------- Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'. ----- End Included Message ----- From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:29:27 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03188 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:29:26 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17450; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:25:53 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:25:53 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Fwd: blind dates (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 15:31:24 -0500 From: MEIR BALOFSKY To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Fwd: blind dates (fwd) THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE EVER BEEN ON A BLIND DATE! ESPECIALLY THOSE OF WHO WHO ARE DOING THE SHIDDUCH DATE THING! FOR THE SHIDDUCH THING PEOPLE I DRAW YOU ATTENTION TO NO. 11 ******************************************************* Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? Could you please phrase that as...as an ethical question? Ummm...Is it right to buy a Chrysler? More words of wisdom, courtesy of the Simpsons. *********************************************************** ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 15:16:33 -0500 From: Tina_Di_Tommaso@EDU.YorkU.CA, Meir Balofsky To: yu147461@yorku.ca Subject: Fwd: blind dates thought i'd pull this out of my archives... MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES > (and other social catastrophes) > > 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so > as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, > including the waiter, who reaches for it. > > 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the > restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. > > 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. > > 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their > reactions. > > 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. > > 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for > your high school yearbook. > > 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. > > 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. > > 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't > know what they are talking about. > > 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your > arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. > > 11. Order a bucket of lard. > > 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very > well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. > > 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are > dating a male. > > 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. > > 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date > begins talking about themselves. > > 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. > > 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live > food. > > 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from > their plate than they do. > > 19. Drool. > > 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and > spray crumbs. > > 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being > placed in front of you. > > 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head > waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different > part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date > finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you > so long in the restroom?!?" > > 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next > to you. > > 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from > their plates. > > 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep > bringing the subject up. > > 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. > > 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. > > 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. > > 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the > windows, where you have a you have a good view of all > exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act > nervous. > > 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. > > 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. > > 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and > pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e > anything on the table that isn't bolted down. > > 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. > > 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. > > 35. Auction your date off for silverware. > > 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. > > 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter > brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and > ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the > waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first > one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. > > 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. > > 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it > on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their > words around. > > 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. > > 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber > language, or just nonsense). > > 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to > the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of > one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. > > 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the > menu. Take one bite. > > 44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up > and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. > > 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're > taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, > because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. > > 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. > > 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order > coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking > advantage of the free refills. > > 48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. > In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of > everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. > > 49. Accuse your date of espionage. > > 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. > > 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. > > 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) > to pay the bill. > > 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. > > 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. > > 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill. From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:27:35 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03069 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:27:35 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17333; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:24:02 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:24:01 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: FW: JOKERS (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 25 Nov 1996 23:14:00 -0500 From: Michael Gladstone To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: FW: JOKERS (fwd) >Men's rules for women > > >1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the > toilet UP when you are done. > >2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include > something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, > Fried, Beer, and Red. > >3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. > >4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the > fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men > are cretins deserving your contempt. > >5. Shopping is not fascinating. > >6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is > only joking. > >7. Unless the answer is yes. > >8. In which case, can he videotape it? > >9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking >assholes. > >10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick > and/or tending the grill. > >11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across >the > room is not funny. > >12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. > >13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e.: > Micro waving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met > with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower >upon > their infant when it walks for the first time. > >14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. > >15. He heard you the first time. > >16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection > around a little. > >17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really > want the answer to. > >18. Of COURSE he wants another beer. > >19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. > >20. Dogs good. Cats bad. > >21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit > through "Showgirls". > >22. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument. > >23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by >suggesting > he stop for directions. > >24. He was NOT looking at that other girl. > >25. Well, okay... maybe a little. > >26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've > never looked at another guy... > >27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man > you have ever met. > >28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. > >29. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if >left > in the shower. > >30. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells >fine, > Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you > intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this > manner. > >31. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier >than > you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is > better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going >to > be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. > >32. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer >gut/impossibly > thick glasses/scabby rash, is cute. > >33. Don't hog the covers. > >34. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait > until the half-time show to act upon that... > >35. He does not just want to be friends. > >36. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the > sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner > and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?" > > > > ><---- End Forwarded Message ----> > > > From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:26:51 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03055 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:26:50 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17287; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:23:18 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:23:17 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 10:17:10 -0500 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 00:21:07 -0500 From: Yoav Brill To: herbert brill Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette (fwd) Forwarded Message: From: Michael Barham Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 16:26:50 -0500 Subject: Men's Restroom Etiquette (fwd) To: Yoav Brill Men's Restroom Etiquette Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. =============================================== The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck! -------------------- Easy Section -------------------- 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. =============================================== ------------------------- Kind of tricky Section: ------------------------- 3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." =============================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. =============================================== ----------------------------------------------- Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section ----------------------------------------------- 5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! =============================================== ----------------------------- VERY tricky indeed Section ----------------------------- 6..) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall. =============================================== Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". ------------------------------ From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:26:09 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03041 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:26:08 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17240; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:22:35 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:22:34 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: Fwd: More Steven Wright Quotes!! (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 12:10:54 -0500 From: MEIR BALOFSKY To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: Fwd: More Steven Wright Quotes!! (fwd) *********************************************************** ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 11:58:03 -0500 From: Cathy_Bruno@EDU.YorkU.CA, Meir Balofsky To: yu147461@yorku.ca Subject: Fwd: More Steven Wright Quotes!! I took a baby shower. -- Steven Wright I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. -- Steven Wright I was skydiving horizontally. -- Steven Wright I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice) -- Steven Wright If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? -- Steven Wright If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? - Steven Wright My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... -- Steven Wright So, do you live around here often?" -- Steven Wright I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..." -- Steven Wright You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. -- Steven Wright I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said,"Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." -- Steven Wright The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. -- Steven Wright I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad! -- Steven Wright The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... -- Steven Wright I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. -- Steven Wright It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. -- Steven Wright I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it. -- Steven Wright I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. -- Steven Wright Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. -- Steven Wright I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do? -- Steven Wright I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen. -- Steven Wright A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better... -- Steven Wright I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. -- Steven Wright I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. -- Steven Wright In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. -- Steven Wright I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. -- Steven Wright Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. -- Steven Wright Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Steven Wright I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. -- Steven Wright I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. -- Steven Wright I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. -- Steven Wright I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George. -- Steven Wright I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... -- Steven Wright It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. -- Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. -- Steven Wright I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. -- Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. -- Steven Wright I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. -- Steven Wright I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." -- Steven Wright How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? -- Steven Wright I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars". -- Steven Wright I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -- Steven Wright I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium." -- Steven Wright I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. -- Steven Wright I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. -- Steven Wright There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. -- Steven Wright From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:25:28 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA03029 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:25:28 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA17206; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:21:52 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:21:51 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: mmmoshko@wildstar.net cc: knoxv@concentric.net, tempest@crown.net Subject: Another Joke of the Day (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came up, and the ship went down--almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat. But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?" The man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "Oh, it won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship" he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. The man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no, er, companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... Do you have an Internet connection?" From mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Mon Dec 23 16:10:27 1996 Return-Path: mmmoshko@learn.senecac.on.ca Received: from learn (info.senecac.on.ca [142.204.1.21]) by cherokee.wildstar.net (8.8.3/8.6.9) with SMTP id QAA02597 for ; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 16:10:27 -0600 Received: by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA16004; Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:06:49 -0500 Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996 17:06:48 -0500 (EST) From: Matee Graphics Server X-Sender: mmmoshko@learn To: knoxv@concentric.net cc: mmmoshko@wildstar.net Subject: [funny] Girlfriend 4.0 (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Status: O X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996 13:19:41 -0500 From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Subject: [funny] Girlfriend 4.0 (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 17 Dec 1996 03:11:52 -0500 From: Yoav Brill To: herbert brill Cc: peter krampl , Michael Barham Subject: [funny] Girlfriend 4.0 (fwd) Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently, he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger and has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.