I'd have written sooner, but I thought I owed you money.
Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
You'd make a perfect stranger.
Marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish...
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
Do not curse the darkness, check your warranty.
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
Today's subliminal message is.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it...
Diplomacy: Saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
'Did ya put the cat out?' ... 'I didn't know it was burning'.
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
A dyslexic agnostic doesn't believe in Dog.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Psychoceramics....The Study of Crackpots
California bumper sticker: Cover me, I'm changing lanes.
I can't be overdrawn!  I still have cheques!
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out of it's nose?
Sects!  Sects!  Sects!  Is that all Monks think about?
Put on your seatbelt.  I wanna try something...
The worst thing about censorship is [Deleted].
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.
I'm just beside myself with schizophrenia!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Honey, tell Santa I need more ammo...
Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are commited.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Are you illiterate? Write to us for a free book.
|||||||\\\\\\__ __ __ __ __    The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
If everyone is on the bandwagon, who's gonna pull?
Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS Audit!
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
All this significance - what does it mean?
Contents may have settled out of court.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.....
My brain operation was considered minor surgery.
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....
Don't know what apathy is and don't care....
It's not 55mph, it's 147,840 furlongs per fortnight.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Talk is cheap since supply exceeds demand.
Old age comes at a bad time in life
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?
Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!
3 things occur when you age.. 1) memory goes  2) uh.. um..
Wise people are full of doubts (I think).
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.
All that glitters has a high refractive index
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Nothing really happens until it happens to you.
Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
Hey ..... who took the cork off my lunch?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Why can't women put the toilet seat back up?
Why bother phoning a psychic? -  let 'em phone you!
I am NOT Schizophrenic - and neither am I.
I often daydream about my inability to fantasize.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...
With schizophrenia you're never alone!
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not sure...
'Do Not Attempt to Traverse Chasm in Two Leaps.'
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
I am the root of some evil... send some money.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
I'm neither for nor against apathy.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
To Be Or ... Darn!  What was the Question?
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
METRONOME - a small person riding the subway.
I may be lost, but I'm way ahead of schedule.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
Real power comes out of wall outlets.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
Keep honking....I'm reloading.
A little knowledge isn't enough.
I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
Took an hour to bury the cat... Wouldn't stop moving!
Call me apathetic ---- I don't care !
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
If at first you don't succeed, deny you even tried.
Are Cheerios really donut seeds?
I still miss my ex wife - but my aim is improving!
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Skydiving:  Good to the last drop.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The leading cause of statistics is smoking.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your HORN louder.
Electricity was invented by rubbing cats backwards.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
"My arm!" Said Captain Hook offhandedly.
*NOW* is a point in time that is already gone.
You have 2 choices for dinner--take it or leave it.
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
I'm not paranoid. Which one of my enemies said I was?
'Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.'
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY other software.
Ego: Something which enables people to bear living with themselves.
'Hand me that solar-powered flashlight...'
Me, indecisive?  I'm not so sure about that.
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
I'd rather lose my memory than my..ummm...ahhh...never mind.
History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.
After four decimal places, nobody cares.
One good turn gets all the blankets.
Evolution: On what conclusions do you base your facts?
Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.
Bring order to your life, use random numbers.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
We now return to our regularly scheduled flame-throwing.
Excuse me, I have to recharge my flame-thrower.
Life is sexually transmitted and terminal.
Peck! Peck! Peck! ... Boom! .... Chicken in a Minefield.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
Time flies like wind.  Fruit flies like pears.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
Support the right to arm bears.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
To err is human; to moo bovine.
We do precision guesswork.
A.A.A.A.A. - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
Live now -- procrastinate tomorrow!
We should back the Metric system every inch of the way.
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?
A Smith and Wesson beats four Aces.
There's 3 kinds of people - those who can count & those who can't.
>>> Pardon my driving; I'm trying to reload. <<<