From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Fri Feb 28 18:10 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id SAA17977; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:10:51 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.5/8.6.12) with ESMTP id SAA00509; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:42 -0500 (EST) Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8c) with spool id 56645 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:41 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (vqNSc4C8w+eNzDjn8lDvg2k+tV+domjj@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.5/8.6.12) with ESMTP id SAA30213 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:40 -0500 (EST) Received: from sunlight.ccs.yorku.ca (YarN1lvv11rZkF6gm2+3HC1vTS4fyPx+@sunlight.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.85]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id SAA17083 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:39 -0500 (EST) Received: from localhost (yu106734@localhost) by sunlight.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id SAA01893 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:39 -0500 (EST) -bs X-Authentication-Warning: sunlight.ccs.yorku.ca: yu106734 owned process doing -bs X-Sender: yu106734@sunlight.ccs.yorku.ca MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 18:14:38 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: Michael Gladstone Subject: Internet Junkie (fwd) To: CHAT94@YORKU.CA Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 5603 Status: RO X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 13:51:06 -0500 (EST) From: Shoshana Sandberg To: Michael Gladstone , Karen Gladstone , Seymour Gladstone Subject: Internet Junkie (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 13:09:39 -0500 (EST) From: "Lorna, Hy or Randi" To: IN:@qc.securenet.net Subject: Internet Junkie >From: joker@tdkt.org >To: Rburack >Date: 28 Feb 1997 04:17:32 EDT >Subject: Internet Junkie > >Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? >Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure >to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to >the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's >Reality Test. > >Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your >score to see if you should be concerned: > >-------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >1. What do you think are good names for children? > a) Scott and Jenny. > b) Bill Gates IV. > c) Mozilla and Dotcom. > >2. What's a telephone? > a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. > b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys. > c) Something you plug into a modem. > >3. Which punctuation is most correct? > a) I had a wonderful day! > b) I had a **wonderful** day!!! > c) I had a wonderful day :-) > >4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to: > a) Visit the washroom. > b) Raid the fridge. > c) Check your E-mail. > >5. What are RAM and ROM? > a) A male sheep and a city in Italy. > b) Hulking stars of the WWF. > c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. > >6. To avoid a virus you should: > a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough. > b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times". > c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. > >7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you: > a) Ask friends where to purchase it. > b) Check out the Yellow Pages. > c) Go to Yahoo! > >8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you: > a) Call the retailer. > b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number. > c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. > >9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you: > a) Visit a club on a Saturday night. > b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch. > c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. > >10. How do you introduce yourself at a party? > a) Hi, I'm Jane! > b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp. > c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod. > >11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say: > a) Tell me more about yourself. > b) What's your star sign? > c) What's your Profile? > >12. If you really like the person, you say: > a) Could you tell me your phone number? > b) What's your E-mail address? > c) Let's chat Private. > >13. When I say spam, you think: > a) Ham in a can. > b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail. > c) I mailbomb all spammers! > >14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say: > a) I don't need another mug coaster. > b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups. > c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. > >15. When you want to research a reference you: > a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia. > b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive. > c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. > >16. When you write a letter you: > a) Put pencil to paper. > b) Open Eudora. > c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? > >17. Different types of text formatting include: > a) Writing and printing. > b) Underline and double-strike. > c) Bold and italic. > >18. You correct errors using: > a) An eraser. > b) White-out. > c) Backspace or delete. > >19. You sign your name: > a) Best regards, John Smith. > b) See you in IRC, John_Smith. > c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. > >20. To keep a copy of your letter you: > a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet. > b) Take it to the photocopier. > c) Check your Sent Mail folder. > >SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each >"b" and 10 for each "c". > >If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log >more hours in real life. > >If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix >of Net and reality. > >If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far. > \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ > | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ > /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) > ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) > ) /^\/ _) (_ To: majordomo@gnt.com ) > ) _ / / _) ( ) > /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) >< > |(,,) )__) ( the words SUBSCRIBE JOKE ) > || / \)___)\ (_ or UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE __) > | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== > \______(_______;;; __;;; >*TLX4.10* Obee One at the dinner table: Luke, may the Forks be with you. > From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Sat Feb 15 16:23 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id QAA01708; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:23:28 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id QAA01023; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:26:48 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 731775 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:26:48 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (PlZzwLm+KwOIgDUJgFlV81N/HCkUADZ2@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id QAA02362 for ; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:25:32 -0500 Received: from bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca (bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca [128.100.132.11]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id QAA11596 for ; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:25:31 -0500 (EST) Received: from log3 ([128.100.100.195]) by bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca with SMTP id <794913(7)>; Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:25:13 -0500 X-Sender: herbert.brill@log3 MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 16:24:56 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA Subject: Forwarded mail.... (fwd) To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 5065 Status: RO X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 14:36:17 -0500 From: Dwoskin Aliza D <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> To: DWSHARI@aol.com Cc: melanie gotlieb , Chona bekhor , herbert brill , Walsh Steven J <4sjw2@qlink.queensu.ca>, Ma Alice C W <3acwm@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Forwarded mail.... (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 14:33:09 -0500 (EST) From: Heisel Jocelyn A <4jah5@qlink.queensu.ca> To: Dwoskin Aliza D <3add@qlink.queensu.ca> Subject: Forwarded mail.... She sent another one that was funnier, but you did get that one. I can see you..... ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 20:51:01 -0500 (EST) From: Cravit Joanna R <6jrc@qlink.queensu.ca> To: Desbois Shawn P <6spd@qlink.queensu.ca> Cc: Andrew Lasko , Jenny Duff , De Vries Mary J <3vmjd@qlink.queensu.ca>, Matthew Cravit , Nick Francis , Desbois Shane , Kulik Alex <4ak29@qlink.queensu.ca>, Stein Edward J <4ejs4@qlink.queensu.ca>, Rosenberg Elana N <4enr@qlink.queensu.ca>, Heisel Jocelyn A <4jah5@qlink.queensu.ca>, Levi Michael A <4mal2@qlink.queensu.ca>, Weigensberg Stuart M <4smw5@qlink.queensu.ca>, Jabes Jascha L <6jlj@qlink.queensu.ca> > Subject: Bad Analogies (fwd) > > Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" > contest. > ================ > > He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy > who > went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those > boxes > with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high > schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of > those > boxes with a pinhole in it. > (Joseph Romm, Washington) > > She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to > dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door > open > again. > (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) > > The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling > ball wouldn't. > (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled > with > vegetable soup. > (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) > > >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie > surreal > quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" > comes > on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. > (Roy Ashley, Washington) > > Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. > (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > > Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. > (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access > T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by > mistake. > (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) > > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) > > He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) > > The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry > them > in hot grease. > (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) > > Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, > this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall > Man." > (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the > grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left > Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at > 4:19 > p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. > (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) > > The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on > a Dr > Pepper can. > (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) > > They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that > resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. > (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) > > John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had > also > never met. > (Russell Beland, Springfield) > > The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of > metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. > (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) > > His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like > underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. > (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) > > The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. > (Russell Beland, Springfield) ''~`` ( o o ) +-----------------------.oooO--(_)--Oooo.---------------------+ |Ryan Leopold E-mail: leopold@interlog.com | |University of Toronto .oooO | | ( ) Oooo. | +--------------------------\ (----( )-----------------------+ \_) ) / (_/ From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Tue Feb 11 19:14 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id TAA14207; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:14:09 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id TAA10641; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:16:51 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 737776 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:16:50 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (snrMJcuHPfZzErd1Uw00oxo0M2MkZECE@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id TAA28505 for ; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:16:50 -0500 Received: from bureau6.utcc.utoronto.ca (bureau6.utcc.utoronto.ca [128.100.132.16]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id TAA21310; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:16:44 -0500 (EST) Received: from alex ([142.150.129.117]) by bureau6.utcc.utoronto.ca with SMTP id <159906(2)>; Tue, 11 Feb 1997 19:16:26 -0500 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Priority: 3 X-Mailer: Microsoft Internet Mail 4.70.1160 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Message-ID: <97Feb11.191626est.159906(2)@bureau6.utcc.utoronto.ca> Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 21:57:09 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: Alex Floh Subject: Fw: Jokes (fwd) Comments: To: Roberto Floh , Michelle Floh , Jackie Robins , Barry Pakes To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Length: 2774 Status: RO X-Status: > > Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was > > > Mypenis: > > > > > > - Mypenis ate my homework. > > > > > > - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! > > > > > > - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. > > > > > > - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a > > > leash. > > > > > > - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. > > > > > > - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. > > > > > > - I love giving Mypenis a bath. > > > > > > - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. > > > > > > - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. > > > > > > - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. > > > > > > - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. > > > > > > - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? > > > > > > - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. > > > > > > - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. > > > > > > - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. > > > > > > - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. > > > > > > - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited > > > anymore. He just plays dead. > > > > > > - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady > > > next door. > > > > > > - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to > > > carry. > > > > > > - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. > > > > > > - Help! I can't find Mypenis! > > > > > > - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for > > > Mypenis. > > > > > > - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. > > > > > > - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to > > > the hospital. > > > > > > - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! > > > > > > - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. > > > > > > - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. > > > > > > - Stop kicking Mypenis. > > > > > > - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be > > > blown. > > > > > > - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. > > > > > > - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. > > > > > > - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when > > > standing at attention. > > > > > > - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. > > > > > > - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. > > > > > > - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. > > > > > > - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. > > > > > > > > > > > > - Mypenis hasn't been washed for 3 months.. > > > > - Today when I came home Mypenis was covered in cockle-burs.. > > > > - Mypenis gets excited when my wife comes home.. > > > > - I like to stroke Mypenis with a wire brush.. > > > > > > > > > > From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Sun Feb 9 15:27 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id PAA29766; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:27:13 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id PAA14763; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:22:44 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 722758 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:22:44 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (7eFn/Iqz+IjK6YI5Ke8E0+k6PxHXg13b@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id PAA14334 for ; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:20:39 -0500 Received: from sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca (J9rY5mWsaHqUFlYc/JsTuUN4CnbdM/tN@sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.87]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id PAA26063; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:20:37 -0500 (EST) Received: from localhost (yu144872@localhost) by sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id PAA19172; Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:20:30 -0500 (EST) X-Authentication-Warning: sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca: yu144872 owned process doing -bs X-Sender: yu144872@sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:20:30 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: GREGORY KAPLAN Subject: FW: A sweet one (fwd) Comments: To: aaron melman , michael kaplan , david herson , gila kaminker , dana wolfson , ellen rosenberg , dana woloski To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 1705 Status: RO X-Status: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 9 Feb 1997 12:40:45 -0500 From: Rael Diamond To: 'Greg Kaplan' Cc: 'Bradley Davids' , 'Ilan Diamond' , 'Raffy Polatinsky' , 'Jeff Salomon' , 'Meyers Gavin' , 'Jonathen Breido' , 'Bevan Friedman' , 'Leanne Schneider' Subject: FW: A sweet one A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving." The mother went into the living room and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language." Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Sat Feb 8 18:54 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id SAA29747; Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:54:14 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id SAA08741; Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:43:18 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 719416 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:43:17 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (arfLgbyqcKwK/KEYfRoLfWV23n85e/q/@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id SAA12465 for ; Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:43:08 -0500 Received: from mustang.uwo.ca (mustang-a.uwo.ca [129.100.2.50]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id SAA03249 for ; Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:43:05 -0500 (EST) X-Sender: mzelunka@mustang.uwo.ca X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: <199702082342.SAA21329@mustang.uwo.ca> Date: Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:42:47 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: Mark Zelunka Subject: World's Funniest Lawyer Jokes Comments: To: abloom@PO-Box.Mcgill.Ca, Craig_Rimer@fp.cibc.com, herson@interlog.com To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Length: 3176 Status: RO X-Status: >Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The >first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers >and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, >"You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" >"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." > >Q: How was copper wire invented? >A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. > >A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, >seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and >offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the >flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. >"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. >"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer. > >Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. >In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. >"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." >His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here." > >Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? > Because deep down, they're really good people. > >What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? > A good start. > >What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? > A tick falls off of you when you die. > >Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? > To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same > service. > >What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? > Stick his bill up his ass. > >What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? > Not enough sand. > >How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? > Their lips are moving. > >Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? > New Jersey got to pick first. > >How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? > Cut the rope. > >How do you save a drowning laywer? > Take your foot off his head. > >What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? > Retired. > >What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in >the road? > There are skid marks in front of the dog. > >What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? > A Doberman. > >Why don't sharks eat lawyers? > Professional courtesy. > >What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association >convention? > The caterer. > >Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? > If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they > cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. > >What do lawyers and sperm have in common? > One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. > >Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to >represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the >case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, >the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner >replied in haste: "Appeal immediately." From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Tue Feb 4 14:53 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id OAA11227; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:53:13 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id OAA06355; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:55:25 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 707730 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:55:25 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (rti4/rB3JWVmnqGvqqbWqISK5sGWfH8y@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id OAA09612 for ; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:55:24 -0500 Received: from sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca (PRllaN+MCfQClZ+mGmyv3Oofd5LYz0dm@sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.87]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id OAA29410 for ; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:55:22 -0500 (EST) Received: from localhost (yu147461@localhost) by sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id OAA26080; Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:47:20 -0500 (EST) X-Authentication-Warning: sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca: yu147461 owned process doing -bs X-Sender: yu147461@sunrise.ccs.yorku.ca MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:47:19 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: MEIR BALOFSKY Subject: Fwd: science humour (fwd) Comments: To: Chutz L'Canada -- Ahuva Jesin , Deena Levine , Chana Kapustin , Danny Hershtal , Rena Roomate Hana , Itia Shmidman , Jon Dauber , Judy Rotner , Kenny Green , moshe morris , Phil Schajer , Rena Kesten , Sarit Aranov , Aron Shaviv , Steve Perel , Vardit Safirstein , Yochanan Drazin , Josh Zlatin , NCSY Ottawa '96 -- Andrew Novak , Brian Benedek , Mike Silverstone , Sarah Emerson , Avi Finegole , Rachel Singer , Jessica Singer To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 3290 Status: RO X-Status: >>THE JOYS OF SCIENCE >> >>The compiler of these gems is Ben Stewart, a retired elementary school >>science >>teacher, who found each of these answers in the essays, tests, and >>discussions >>he conducted over the years with fifth- and sixth-graders. >> >>"Humidity is the experience of looking for water and finding air." >> >>"Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know >they're >>there." >> >>"Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so >>sometimes it's brother against brother." >> >>"Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I >have >>never >>been able to make out the numbers." >> >>"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation >gets >>blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on." >> >>"The main value of tornadoes is yet to be discovered." >> >>"To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists >>solutions >>are things that are still all mixed up." >> >>"When the fuel in a rocket starts burning gasses rush out the nozzle. >So >>would anybody." >> >>"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how and >that is >>the >>important thing." >> >>"When a wave rolls over on itself it's called a breaker. Of just about >>anything I guess." >> >>"Thunder is a rich source of loudness." >> >>"Question: In what ways are we dependent on the sun? Answer: We can >always >>depend on the sun for sunburns and tidal waves." >> >>"Wind is like the air, only pushier." >> >>"Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey." >> >>"You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came >to >>getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind." >> >>"When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. >>When planets do it we say they are orbiting." >> >>"Rainbows are just to look at not really to understand." >> >>"South America has cold summers and warm winters, but somehow they >still >>manage" >> >>"Most books say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change >back >>into >>a sun in the daytime." >> >>"Isotherms and Isobars are even more important than their names sound." >> >>"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up it's mind which way it >wants to >>go >> >>"Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others >preferred to >>be >>oil." >> >>"Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why >you >>should" >> >>"Although Edison was once considered a great inventor, we now know of >many >>inventions he overlooked." >> >>"Talc is found in rocks and on babies." >> >>"Our mother Earth has small poles and a large equator because of the >>tremendous >>speed as she hurdles through space. Since we are along for the ride, >we also >>get to be flat at our poles and rounded at our equators." >> >>"A planet cannot have an axis until it can get a line to run through >it." >> >>"Everybody leans to the sun in the summer and away in winter. We are >all a >>little tipsy that way." >> >>"We get our temperature three different ways. Either farenheit, >celcius or >>centipede." >> >>"Question: In free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground >from a >>height of 1000 feet? Answer: I have never performed this >experiment." >> From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Mon Feb 3 14:56 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id OAA06663; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:56:29 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id OAA22591; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:58:29 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 696186 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:58:28 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (Rn++r4xlQkbXqQJmboldmyb2e3eLC+ls@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id OAA20811 for ; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:58:15 -0500 Received: from sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca (skExK+lpRdqi4LoSX6Q5+Zz6JrkQoznh@sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.88]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id OAA05563; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:58:06 -0500 (EST) Received: from localhost (yu147461@localhost) by sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id OAA09264; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:57:47 -0500 (EST) X-Authentication-Warning: sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca: yu147461 owned process doing -bs X-Sender: yu147461@sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:57:46 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: MEIR BALOFSKY Subject: Bumper Stickers Comments: To: Chutz L'Canada -- Ahuva Jesin , Deena Levine , Chana Kapustin , Danny Hershtal , Rena Roomate Hana , Itia Shmidman , Jon Dauber , Judy Rotner , Kenny Green , moshe morris , Phil Schajer , Rena Kesten , Sarit Aranov , Aron Shaviv , Steve Perel , Vardit Safirstein , Yochanan Drazin , Josh Zlatin , NCSY Ottawa '96 -- Andrew Novak , Brian Benedek , Mike Silverstone , Sarah Emerson , Avi Finegold , Rachel Singer , Jessica Singer , The Other YU -- Aaron Greenberg , AVI KLEIN , Batya Grundland , Rosh Eidah Aleph , Eric Spindel , Esther Aronson , Lily Fyman , Michal Kaye , Michelle Gelberman , Miriam Romberg , Moriah Shamian , Sara Blum , Sarah-Beth Benovich , Shira Spodek , Shoshana Colodny , Tania Goorovich , Zevi Rosenzweig , Meir's ed account To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 5679 Status: RO X-Status: -. Actual Bumper Stickers . ========================================================= . "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." . ========================================================= . "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" . ========================================================= . "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." . ========================================================= . "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." . ========================================================= . "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" . ======================================================== . "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" . ======================================================== . "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." . ======================================================= . "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" . ======================================================= . "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... . ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." . ======================================================= . "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" . ======================================================= . "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" . ======================================================= . "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." . ======================================================= . "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a . vegetarian." . ======================================================== . "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" . ======================================================== . "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." . ============================================================== . "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the . IRS." . ============================================================== . "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." . ========================================================= . "Wink, I'll do the rest!" . ========================================================== . "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." . ========================================================== . "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" . ========================================================= . "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" . ========================================================= . "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" . ========================================================= . "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" . ========================================================= . "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." . ========================================================= . "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" . ======================================================== . "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!" . ======================================================== . "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." . ======================================================== . "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." . ======================================================== . "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." . ======================================================== . "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." . ======================================================== . "He who laughs last thinks slowest" . ======================================================== . "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." . ========================================================= . "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." . ========================================================= . "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." . ========================================================= . "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." . ============================================================== . "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." . ======================================================== . "i souport publik edekasion" . ========================================================== . "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." . ========================================================== . "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." . =========================================================== . "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." . =========================================================== . "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." . =========================================================== . "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" . ============================================================ . "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" . =========================================================== . "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a . rock." . ============================================================ . "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic . particles." . ============================================================== . "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die." . ========================================================== . "Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off." . =========================================================== --------- End forwarded message ---------- From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Mon Feb 3 11:09 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id LAA03379; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:09:44 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id LAA15970; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:12:00 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 694094 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:11:59 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (9mf+3ixCHvor0lJPvDySAMSxxFIAd3Al@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id LAA19731 for ; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:11:59 -0500 Received: from bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca (bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca [128.100.132.11]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id LAA02893 for ; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:11:56 -0500 (EST) Received: from log3 ([128.100.100.195]) by bureau-de-poste.utcc.utoronto.ca with SMTP id <794962(8)>; Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:11:35 -0500 X-Sender: herbert.brill@log3 MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 11:11:20 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: herbert.brill@UTORONTO.CA Subject: (Fwd) FW: The Physicists' Social (fwd) Comments: cc: 3add@qlink.queensu.ca, 4jah5@qlink.queensu.ca To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 3514 Status: RO X-Status: For anyone with any science background... ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 08:39:28 -0500 From: l.malkin@utoronto.ca To: a.ginzburg@utoronto.ca Cc: herbert.brill@utoronto.ca, rimon.barr@utoronto.ca, geroter@mechanical.watstar.uwaterloo.ca Subject: (Fwd) FW: The Physicists' Social (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 08:23:01 -0500 From: A. Veltman To: Lilly Malkin , Sari Stillman , Stephanie Nudelman , Michele Zysman , Anya Beyder , Jason Murata Subject: (Fwd) FW: The Physicists' Social (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 1 Feb 1997 19:00:48 -0500 (EST) From: Shazi To: Haddas Grosbein , Albina Veltman , Michael Sun , WANG KAI-TING AMY Subject: (Fwd) FW: The Physicists' Social (fwd) > THE PHYSICISTS' SOCIAL > >One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together for >a tea luncheon. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student, and able to >observe some of the guests... > > - Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at > a constant velocity and showed no reaction. > - Einstein thought it was a relatively good time. > - Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing. > - Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway. > - Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate > well with everyone. > - Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding. > - Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split. > - Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself. > - Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events. > - Hamilton went to each of the buffet tables exactly once. > - Volt thought the social had a lot of potential. > - Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it. > - Heisenberg may or may not have been there. > - The Curies were there and they just glowed the whole time. > - van der Waals forced himself to mingle. > - Wien radiated a colorful personality. > - Milikan dropped his Italian oil dressing. > - de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved. > - Hollerith liked the hole idea. > - Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates. > - Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality. > - Compton was a little scatter-brained at times. > - Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache. > - Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker. > - Hertz went back to the buffet several times a minute. > - Faraday had quite a capacity for food. > - Oppenheimer got bombed. > > University of Winnipeg > > >********************************************************** > > If you live only for tomorrows, you'll > waste a lifetime of todays. :) > >********************************************************** > > > > > > > -------------------------- Christopher Jennings Just when you think life is good, Enchanted Blade Associates Someone goes and divides by zero With God's calculator, And quickly convinces you otherwise. From owner-chat94@YORKU.CA Sun Feb 2 22:15 EST 1997 Return-Path: Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca by learn (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id WAA24580; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:15:41 -0500 Received: from comet.ccs.yorku.ca (comet.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.235.31]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id WAA07655; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:17:11 -0500 Received: from YORKU.CA by YORKU.CA (LISTSERV-TCP/IP release 1.8b) with spool id 690157 for CHAT94@YORKU.CA; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:17:11 -0500 Received: from suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8gXwOGSu2K7DobVAmIXzxe8Y9jGI8L0t@suntan.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.89]) by comet.ccs.yorku.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id WAA08394 for ; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:15:56 -0500 Received: from sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca (6huNTZtIr76lSjDotRMXldloMfyrLcsF@sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca [130.63.236.88]) by suntan.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with ESMTP id WAA06104 for ; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:15:54 -0500 (EST) Received: from localhost (yu144872@localhost) by sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca (8.8.4/8.6.11) with SMTP id WAA29347; Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:14:57 -0500 (EST) X-Authentication-Warning: sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca: yu144872 owned process doing -bs X-Sender: yu144872@sunspot.ccs.yorku.ca MIME-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1997 22:14:57 -0500 Reply-To: No title defined Sender: No title defined From: GREGORY KAPLAN Subject: [Fwd: Recyled Ebonics Humor] (fwd) Comments: To: dren@kapfin.com, aaron melman , gila kaminker , david herson , michael kaplan To: Multiple recipients of list CHAT94 Content-Type: MULTIPART/MIXED; BOUNDARY="-559023410-851401618-854939697=:29182" Content-Length: 2861 Status: RO X-Status: This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. Send mail to mime@docserver.cac.washington.edu for more info. ---559023410-851401618-854939697=:29182 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---559023410-851401618-854939697=:29182 Content-Type: MESSAGE/RFC822 Content-ID: Content-Description: Path: news.myna.com!n1tor.istar!tor.istar!east.istar!news.inforamp.net!news.nstn.ca!coranto.ucs.mun.ca!news.unb.ca!news.uoregon.edu!arclight.uoregon.edu!mr.net!news-peer.gsl.net!news.gsl.net!news.bbnplanet.com!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!worldnet.att.net!newsadm From: lbueno@inch.com (Luis Bueno) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Recyled Ebonics Humor Date: Thu, 30 Jan 1997 13:12:42 GMT Organization: Un Monde Sans Frontieres Lines: 50 Message-ID: <32f09e29.6810412@netnews2.worldnet.att.net> Reply-To: lbueno@inch.com NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.116.46.145 X-No-Archive: Yes A friend of mine has an 18 year old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach Ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what leroy did: 1. Rectum...........I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both. 2. Hotel............I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody. 3. Odyssey..........I told my bro, you odyssey the jugs on this hoe. 4. Stain............My mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again. 5. Seldom...........My cousin gave me two tickets to the knicks game, so I seldom. 6. Penis............I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis. 7. Catacomb.........Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that catacomb. 8. Foreclose........If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose. 9. Undermine........There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment undermine. 10. Tripoli..........I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no Tripoli. 12. Disappointment...My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house. 13. Income...........I just got in bed wit dee hoe and income my wife. 14. Honor............At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who b honor first? 15. Fortify..........I axed da hoe how much? and she say fortify. 16. Israel...........Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said man, that looks fake. He said, no Israel. Needless to say, Leroy got an A. God bless America. ---559023410-851401618-854939697=:29182--