We've got A Full House:

It's good to be out for awhile man, we got a full house. We got two kids, two dogs, and two cats. We just had our cat neutered. You know, I found something out, you neuter a dog, they kind of understand. Dogs are more like, "All right, all right, All Right! Dang, I knew this was going to happen." You neuter a cat you better get ready for the guilt trip of your life. We brought that cat home from the vet, he's dragging his butt on the carpet. It's like, "Look at me! What's missing from this picture?! What am I going to tell my friends?" And if you've got a cat, I know you've made this mistake. You're lying in bed you think your cat's asleep but then you move you foot underneath the covers. And they're like, "Mouse, Hssss!" And I don't care how hard you sling that cat against the wall, it never stuns them does it. They just bounce off with that attitude like, "Oh is that the way were going to play? Alright, check you boots buddy boy." My wife went berserk with this cat. She taught this cat how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. And he does it. Do you know how bizarre that is? To get up at like five in the morning, stagger in the bathroom, -Aahh God - Whoo - Hey kitty. He's sitting there with the paper, "Bill, what's happening?" "Boy that Garfields a hoot isn't he." Dogs, that's what I love. I love the people that own Dobermans the best, because they're always the people that go, "Oh, he won't bite. He's always got blood on his lips."  There are some bizarre dogs too. There's a dog called the Basenji, it's a barkless dog.  Wouldn't that blow your mind? Walk up to somebody's yard that dog is going, "                   ".  You're like, "aaaahhhh, I'm deaf! I can't hear the dog!"  You go to the door, the woman answers, "               ".  See, I got one of the stupidest dogs in the world, doorbell rings, he pees on everything.  It's like, "Somebody's here! Pisssss."  Good boy, good boy, I'll get that door now.  My wife has got her own dog, Max.  Max the pooping machine is what we all call him.  He's possessed, he'll wake you up in the middle of the night like, "Hey Bill, Phssst, Bill, you don't need to take me out, I just pooped on the rug."  I mean what can you say? It's like, "Well, I appreciate your honesty."  And our dogs are indoor dogs, which I don't mind accept that when my wife and I get romantic, our dogs watch us.  And I know they're just dogs, but it's just disconsertive.  I'm trying to be romantic and there are these eyes at the edge of the bed.  It's like, "Whooo, nice move there Bill! Jeez, doesn't that hurt your back?  Max just pooped on the rug again."  And I'm trying to be sexy, I take my wife's bra off and throw it across the room, the dogs bring it back.  You ever get that cold nose?  HEY!  Boys.  Just thank god it wasn't the cat. Because you know how they get when they see stuff dangling around.  There's a little wake up call for you.  We bought my daughter a puppy, don't ever do that. Don't ever buy a nine-year-old anything live, because they'll just kill it. We bought her a miniature long hair dachshund, it's a wiener dog. But it's really not big enough, it's more like, a cocktail frank dog is what it is.  This dog has not walked since we've owned it. My daughter either carries him everywhere or she's shoving him around the house in a baby carriage. And I try to reason with her. It's like, "Baby, please let that dog walk." She's like, "Dad, he needs me to carry him." And the dogs looking at me like, "Just kill me Bill! I'm not even a dog anymore man! Look at me, I'm wearing Barbie jeans!" Now some people got snakes as pets, I hate snakes like I said earlier. And I know where my fear of snakes comes from. It comes from when I was a little kid. One day me and my buddy were at a farm pond down in Texas. Now we're just messing around doing kid stuff you know. We're skipping rocks, blowing fish up with m-80's. We're having a great time.  He catches a water snake, he grabs it by it's tail, he jerks it up, he goes, "Hey, look at this Bill, look at him giggle around. Do you think he's dizzy?"  Because Texans wonder about stuff like that.  Then he starts whipping that snake around his head in a circle. Okie Dokie.  This snakes starting to stretch out by now.  It's about twice its normal length. Now have you ever know when somebody was going to do something to you, just because they get that look in their eye?  Well he got that look and just tossed that snake right on me!  Well Yea! Hell Yea I passed out!  I don't know anybody just go, "A snake. Stop it."  I mean it's pretty hard to remain cool when you've got a snake airborne at you. And lizards, oh man. These are snakes with legs to me. And I know you people are sitting there thinking, "Jeez, what a wuss." You're right.  I saw this lizard on TV, you all may have seen this thing. If you made this lizard mad, he could get on his hind legs and run at you.  Have you seen that thing?  Wouldn't you flip?  You're like, "Well look at that little lizard there." And he's like, "Stomp, stomp, stomp!"  And you'd be glad you weren't on acid.  You'd be talking to him like, "What's you name?  Hey you better put some shoes on man. Alright, you're going to get stickers in your feet."  But snakes are the worst.  I have nightmares.  Does anyone have this nightmare, where your lying in bed, it's late at night, and you got to go the bathroom really bad.  But the floor is covered with snakes!  Huh mmm, I just pee on myself.  I'm 38, I could give a damn. I'll wear the rubber pants.  And where was it, down in Florida wasn't it, were they found that 30-foot python, weighed like 300 pounds.  Just living under some guys' house.  How do you miss that?  Wouldn't your first clue be like, "Honey, have you seen the dog?  Honey?"  Before I got married I was on a date one night, this girl had a snake as a pet.  A twelve-foot boa constrictor, she named it "Fluffy".  Well that's just sick in my book.  But I didn't know about that snake and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking, we drank way too much.  We get back to her mobile home.  Whoo, wish I was making that part up.  She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these, "Sssss, Ahhh."  She wasn't real good at it all right. "I'm going to slip into something a little more comfortable, OK."  I was like, "All Right! I'll be waiting right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me."  She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen, in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck.  Boy, that will sober you up!  I'm backing out the front door going, "No thanks, I can drive."  She looks at me she goes, "No wait Bill, Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love."  I looked at her I said, "No it can't, because I'll kill him. OK."